Breath

I need to take a breath.

I did in yoga today - both Sandy and Nancy have been urging me to try yoga.  When I tell Nancy about my hip and foot problems she asks have you tried yoga?

I went to one class last week - and was sore for two days following it.  Then today I was so tired (in a good way) after the class I just went home and drank water.  Its crazy - it looks so simple and somewhat easy but it is really hard!  Especially for someone who just jogs and lifts weights - my stomach muscles are being reminded that they exist.

My frustration around trying to plan some kind of trip over the holidays was at a peek yesterday.  Ruth who has been my steady support and has said up until yesterday that she was committed to going with Bennett and I on this trip, backed out.  I had done all this work trying to find a place that would accommodate Ruth, Theo, myself and B but now I need to rethink the whole plan.  Bennett has already told everyone at school she is going to a beach over the holiday.  Anyone want to go to Puerto Rico with us?

Maybe the hardest thing is that I feel like I do not have a family - someone that really wants to be with me and B.  Bennett cried on the way home from school saying she wanted another mom, dad anything in her family - I agree.  She made a wonderful picture of Sandy, Me, Avy and herself - she also said she wanted them to move in with us.  If only life was that simple.

Don't Piss Off The Fairies

former location of a large dark hole

Bennett and I fixed the side of the house yesterday.  You could actually see the backside of the drywall in the back room from outside before we patched it.   I think yesterday may have been the last warm day we will see for a while.  We saw snowflakes in the air today.

I am trying to stay positive.  We went to dinner at Liz and Julie's friends for thanksgiving.  Bennett had fun with another 5 year old girl and Diana  had present bags for each of the kids - super nice.  I tried to make conversation with people but it feels like everyone is from a different planet- their own planet.

the horse barn

Horses were cancelled today they had some fence problems.  We will go tomorrow.

I like the Don't Piss Off the Fairies sign on the post.

good news

Got an email from Mary that Maily Grandma is doing better!  And she seems to be in good spirits.  I was able to chat with her a bit the other day.  Sometimes I think I am loosing my hearing when I am on the phone - my friend Sandy said its my crappy phone not my ears.  It was nice to hear Marianna's voice.

turkey talking to an owl in a tree

We have pumpkin custard in the oven - a favorite recipe of Ruth's slightly altered for me using agave instead of sugar.  Luckily Aunt Julie and Liz got us an invitation to a friends for thanksgiving.  There will be lots of people including other children.

Tears

Sometimes you save up the tears.

Tonight I cry for so many things my Mom and Ruth's mom who is in the hospital.  Marianna who is like a mom to me- she sent books to Bennett and emails to me about loosing Dirk and living alone.  I did not know how I looked forward to her emails until I may not have any more.

I must

Bennett is asleep she has been so tired she just falls asleep in my lap.  I find myself just trying to feed her and make her comfortable when she sleeps.  Her BFF Avy has also been tired they play and play and whine and whine.  Sandy worries that Avy is too whiney but I am reasurred that 5 year olds whine.    Sandy and Avy are part of our family.

I must get a new camera, ours is broken.  I must continue to plan a holiday - Bennett and I would be lost without something.  Puerto Rico is our new destiny.

I must patch a large hole in our house.  I can see to the drywall from the outside of the house.  Such is life.

I continue to run that is my savior - 3 miles today.  Yesterday 2.5 and 3 on wednesday.

asleep on a boat at sea

Bennett has fallen asleep - I think it was around 4:30 pm.  We hung out this morning enjoying a day with no obligations.  We did nothing till about noon then just dressing to take Zues for a walk around the neighborhood.  Ruth and Theo's is a destination on these walks - we stopped and played a bit.

B and I worked hard when we got home - cleaning up the leaves in the front of the house.  She is a worker! Bennett also made a horse book today - it is great!  She illustrated herself with Sarg(the horse she visits on Saturdays).  She has been so tired lately.  She fell asleep yesterday on the way home from the horse farm.

Bennett had difficulties transitioning in school this week.  The teachers were so wonderful they role played drop off with her.  The next day she was a star!

She drew a picture of me and her on a boat at sea.

Timing

I actually thought we might make it to Fiji when I found some flights that came in around $3000 round trip for both of us.   Alas the timing is not good with Mary and her family.

It is so hard to think of Christmas without Ruth and the past few years we had spent time with Mary's family.  So much to let go of - I guess we have to make our own traditions.

I went to see Nancy today thinking I would get acupuncture but there was too much to work on in my heart.  It was a big step for me because I am somewhat anti-therapy.  We talked about asking for help  - which I hate to do - I would rather go eat worms.  

Ran 3.5 miles both Monday and Tuesday - hope to get to the gym today

horses

Bennett brushed, put a lead on and rode this horse today.  He is a gentle soul that was worked much of his life in the show ring.  Bennett was scared when she was riding with help.  I tried to tell her that I am scared as well.

She seems to love the interaction with the horses.  I think this will help her hold her head high and understand that compassion and connection are very important.

hacked

I tried to get my email back but finally dumped it today.  I am sorry for any lack of communication apparently none of my emails were going out.

We went to Bennett's kindergarden open house last night.  She led me around the room showing me all of the great work she has been doing in school.  I am so glad we went even though she fell asleep in the car on the way home (she was so tired).  Our little camera is not working - I have to get another missing so many great moments.  Ran around the reservoir Monday - yesterday ran at the gym - hopefully I will go to the reservoir again today.

Amazement

My email was hacked this weekend.  It made me feel like an idiot.  Sorry to all that were spammed.

Bennett did so many amazing things this weekend!  She started working with horses on a farm,   brushing, leading and feeding them.  We also went to the garden where Bennett shared photos of our family with the group of adults and children who have lost a family member.  She is so far beyond me- I will follow her in amazement.

Beautiful Bennett

B with Zoe

Beautiful Bennett - how is it that she is my daughter?

I went on the school field trip yesterday to the pumpkin patch.  Another field trip fiasco - B ran off toward the busy road when we arrived.  All the other children lined up obediently.  What do I inspire in her?  She begs for me to go on the field trip then proceeds to be miserable for 50% of the time.  It was a great trip regardless the baby cows were especially sweet.  One of the very nice moms who was on the trip said that we both had broken hearts - true.

Mary sent us a nice note.  This reminds me that B allows me to go to work to make money so we can go to Fiji (that is her reasoning).  The tickets are more than I make in 5 months.  How do you explain that to a 5 year old?  She is getting good at counting she announced this morning that 3 and 10 make 13.

No Aunties this weekend!  Ruth C. is away and Liz and Julie are busy- help!  Perhaps I will appeal to Aunt Theo that this is her chance to spend quality time with B.  Time to go to the gym.

Mushrooms

lion's mane

 Mushrooms are everywhere.  The rainy cool weather has brought them out in droves.  I have mushrooms in my freezer, refrigerator, on the counter and in both cars.  Time to have a party.

Bennett and I have been enjoying our hikes in the woods.  We had a very pleasant house guest Maisy (a dog) for a little over a week.  B is thriving in school.  Her language has expanded and she seems much more engaged in the world.

 We were supposed to start horseback riding this past weekend but she refused to go with Aunties.  I had a welding job that needed to be done so was unavailable to take her.

The garden (a bereavement group for kids and their family) starts this Sunday.  At least I think it will - I was given a schedual saying it was to start in September but it did not. Crossing my fingers.

hen of the woods

I ran 3.5 miles today - I have been running about 5 days a week either 2 or 3 miles on average a day.  I still feel my hip and foot get cranky around 2 miles.  Ruth C suggested I may have some common foot problem.

feeling easier

I have been feeling a large weight on my chest when I layed down at night.  I pound my chest to ease it.  lately it has gotten lighter My friend Ruth C.  who was Ruth's good, good friend mentioned something about how animals can work through trama better than humans.  They have a phisiCAL  reaction to trama - they shake their limbs afterward.  People tend to carry trama with them.

I run, I beat my chest and recently I have been lifting weights.  I think I must make myself strong to lift the weight on my chest.  I think there are fancy therapies that involve some physical method but running and beating my chest do wonders.

We met Sandy and another new mom from the Hill institute, Patricia at the farm today - Patricia is an older and interesting mom a dancer and anthropologist.  She has traveled to central america and China to adopt her child.  She seems like a wise and wonderful person.

multi- tasking

This week has been about multi-tasking.  Work Bennett- work Bennett.  I have had to deal with trying to work full (or overtime) with B.  I had two teaching gigs I had to take right in the same week.  Luckily I have aunties and friends who have helped out but the stress has worked its toll on me.  I made a fundamental mistake of not clamping something before  drilling and my hand is suffering the results.

My hand will heal but it is a lesson in paying attention to caring for myself and those around me.

B was so exhausted from going and coming with auntie Julie and Liz that she conked out on the way to picking up Zues tonight.  I managed to transfer her to bed where hopefully she will sleep till morning.  Liz offered to come over in the am and let B sleep or relax in her home.  I feel that if she can have two days of not being dragged about early in the am it helps in getting to school during the  week.  Thank you  Liz!

I will not commit to this  much work in the future - I was a bit desperate not making any money over the summer.  There is an art to multi -tasking salute to the single parents who manage to function!

non-compliant

I am exhausted.  

Just when I thought school was going so smoothly I was called into the class room this morning to talk to the teacher about Bennett not listening and plainly refusing to participate in class (the teacher used the word non-compliant).  All I could think was yep that's my girl.  I tried to explain that yes she is a bit difficult and please do make her stand on the sidelines until she wants to join in.  Then this afternoon when I picked her up we were congratulated on how well she did.

I do think we both need the structure of school (I wish someone would come along and tell me what to do).   We had a lovely walk with Sandy and Avy after school.  Sandy and I are scheming about pooling our resources.  I have been running only 2 miles a day with lots of stretches.

Still here

I am coming up for air.

We have been busy and I have been sad.  I spent the week in anticipation and with anxiety about our fall school schedule now realizing that we have it pretty easy.  Bennett seems to like kindergarten - I think it helps alot that her best friend Avy is in her class.  My friends have been very supportive from Sandy putting Avy in B's school and offering to help to Aunties who have been taking B for overnights (hard for me but good for both of us).

I taught on Saturday a beads class at Snow Farm and then today had friends over to make beads in my own studio.  It was fun to have a few nice people over to chat and make beads.  They all took turns paying some attention to B and playing on the torch - really a nice day.

aunties save the day

I have had so much support and help this last week from Aunties Ruth & Theo and Liz & Julie.  Bennett slept over Friday night with Liz and Julie and tonight she is with Ruth and Theo.  It is good and difficult to have a moment to let myself sit in the tiny backyard, look at the stars and cry.

I had planned so many things for this weekend -a trip to NY but I can only just get up and clean the kitchen maybe take the dog for a walk.  I  did make pesto, salsa and guacamoli for dinner at Ruth and Theo's (it was all in honor of RVE).  There is so much at the farm that Ruth would have picked.

Now I realize she is gone.  Ruth said to me a year ago in the  spring this may be my last summer.  I could not and did not want to believe that.  How does that happen?  Someone who is vital and shapes your life is gone.

I went to a concert friday with Ruth C and Theo.  I thought it would be Nora Jones it was George Jones(ha).  He was a very old country singer who had made an impact in his day but was beyond his time on stage.  I could only think why is he still here?  WTF.  When someone so wise, sensitive and full of talent is gone?  I am at a loss of generosity these days.

I have been running 2 miles yesterday - 3 the day before and some earlier this week - stretching often

six months

 Bennett was playing with the camera on the computer today.  The bottom picture she took of herself the top picture was the one that was on the iphoto screen when I came to the computer tonight.

Our loss is so big.  I think we are both feeling angy and sad.  With my sister gone we float around the house.  I try to get out but I am tired and B resists.  She had a full blown tantrum on the streets of Easthampton yesterday - that took a lot out of us.

Aunt Ruth again came to the rescue and took Bennett to the farm tonight.  I escaped to the gym  ran 2 miles and lifted weights.  Hopefully she will come home tired and relaxed like me.

It has been six months - I can't believe it.

it has been over a week since i have gotten out of the house without B.  zues and i made it to the woods to jog this morning thanks to aunt ruth.  i feel so trapped and alone i have been having dreams of B going to live with someone else.

Sagging roof

My incredible brother Mark and his lovely partner Sue stopped by this weekend.  Typical of my family we somehow did not communicate that they would be stopping by.  It was great anyway.  Mark took on one of the major problems I have encountered while trying to build out the back of our building the sagging underbuilt roof joists.

We worked all day Saturday.  Mark sweating away ripping out crap and putting up new joists, me helping a bit and running to home depot to get supplies.  We managed to get in 6 new joists and began to make the ceiling look a bit straighter.  I can't believe the whole thing didnt fall in before.

A good friend from our home town Paul invited us over to his house for dinner ( in Northampton the town over).  He and his lovely partner Tim (I am jealous of the lovely partners) hosted a wonderful meal and Bennett played with their foster kids.

B, Ruth C and I checked out a potential welding job yesterday.  We met a couple of very interesting women living in a cool building in Holyoke.  They need a gate made for the condo garden - its right up my alley.  I think I will be doing that and getting ready for the fall semester in the next couple of weeks.

Running is hard to maintain - B and I took Zeus out to scotts tower but I have not built my strength up to jogging up hill with B in the stroller.

stretching

I finally managed to get a hold of the director of The Garden.  I made an appointment with her this Thursday to do intake paperwork.  The Garden is the children's bereavement group in Northampton.

I also scheduled a time to get Bennett's paper work processed for the Holyoke public schools- just in case.

Zues and I ran 2 miles today - I have been taking it easy.  My left leg has been bothering me just below my but - I only feel it after I have run for about a mile.  It is annoying - by the end of three miles my left foot is a bit numb.  This started earlier in the summer - I bought new shoes.  My leg still hurt - so I have started stretching.  I guess the stretching should have come before any running.

Ran 2 miles yesterday and 3 the day before

Rain

I miss Bennett.  She is having an overnight with Aunties Liz and Julie and even though I had thoughts earlier today about pealing her off of me and running from the house its very strange not having her here.  The lack of her brings forward my great loss and sadness which is usually held back by focusing on her needs.

It was Liz's birthday party tonight.  Lots of crazy gifts, delicious food and interesting people attended.  I brought a very large mushroom found in the woods today hiking with Zeus.

The day was overall very good - jogged 3 miles at the gym with Bennett in the child watch and hiked with Zues after a big rain storm.

Summer is waning

Bennett had her kindergarten assessment today - basically she met her teachers and did a few things like write her name.  I am still very happy that we chose the Hill Institute for kindergarten.  Its small and lovely which I believe is good for B.

We also stopped at the Cancer Connection to drop off some of Ruth's yarn.  They are truly great people there.  They took B in and played Lego's with her for an hour - forever patient and present.  They mentioned a bereavement group starting up - I said I was hoping to get into the garden a bereavement group for the whole family but I do miss there amazing support.

Later B and I went to the Canoe Club.  We had an hour of jumping, diving and swimming in the NE summer heat.  A summer thunder and lightning storm made us head for home leaving our dive toys in the pool.

I feel regret that I did not go to the gym while my sister is visiting - instead I cleaned the house.  I am feeling sluggish and need to get back to my goals!  The summer is waning - hopefully we will see Sandy and Avy tomorrow.

Ruth's Mom

B amazed with the bride

hope and love live on

What a week- Bennett, myself and Libby made the trek to CA - getting delayed, missing our flight and running about several airports.  Thank goodness Libby was with us - she bravely delt with the customer service people and re-arranged our flights.

We met Maily Grandma - highlight of our trip.  She was interesting and engaging - more than I can say for most people under 70.  Bennett and I were reading a book she gave us tonight and B made up a story about her and grandma on an adventure together.

Bennett had fun with Libby and Carly both girly girls as well as their mother Aunty Jo Jo.  They all danced with Aunt Jana at the wedding.  Bennett was exceptionally good at the wedding - saying a few things during the ceremony.  Mostly she wanted to see the bride and the rings, at one point she said she was bored.  I was concerned but only a few people heard.

libby's nose

Carly's eye

The wedding was really nice (I really don't do weddings).  The bride and groom are both great people very progressive.  Though I was sad at moments it was good to see hope and love live on.

Bennett's pics - I have only run 3 miles this whole week uggh!

mushrooms and hello kitty

I am not sure when I posted last.  Ran with Zues yesterday early - I snuck out.  Tried to do the same today but Bennett caught me.  She got up early and wanted to go running with me.  So we all went up to Mnt Tom we jogged for 5 seconds then B said she was tired.  So we went hunting for mushrooms and little orange lizards.

cooked mushroom went to the party

We met a potential babysitter in the park afterward - she was young and very nice.  I went to the gym while B had lunch - just lifted weights because of lack of time to shower.

hello kitty build a bear w pull up on

Bennett had her 5 year exam today.  It pretty much took up the whole afternoon and after 3 shots she was ready to just go home.  I have to say she was a trooper and sat very still while clinging to me.  She  was able to give her new hello kitty bear a shot which helped a bit.

Tanta and Libby did an incredible deed yesterday by taking B to the mall.  Not only did they build a bear with her they got her some really great new clothes (Libby has great taste).  I snuck away last night to a party at SF - it was fun!

I am not looking forward to fall and lack of childcare and flexibility - it is so nice to have other adults in the house.

mushroom from yesterdays jog 

I ran 3 miles yesterday and both of the days prior.  My left leg has been bothering me a bit - so today it was fine to just hunt mushrooms and stretch.

dancing kid

I am trying to maintain a positive perspective - this video helps.  Life is just overwhelming.  I started the process of advertising for childcare.  Ran 3 miles today with Zues and 3 yesterday.

Sluggish

Bennett's desire is to stay at home with her stuff and take pictures of the neighbors from our window.

B taking pictures out our window

Libby and Di are coexisting well - they went shopping today.  Libby then made a fabulous dinner - it was great to have a break from the cooking.  Libby also played dress up with B, made cupcakes, and washed B's hair!  She will be an amazing mom if and when she chooses to be one.

I rented my lampworking studio to a young woman - it was nice to see her so involved in making beads.  I also made it to the gym for a 3 mile run - but I was feeling sluggish.

Home tomorrow

where we get the Internet

Another beautiful day!  We leave tomorrow at 8 am and will arrive in Holyoke at around 8 pm probably exhausted.

Bennett is sad to leave but also misses our house and desperately needs a day or two of doing nothing.  She was so tired yesterday she just curled up into a little ball on the beach.  We took a three hour nap and I was still yawning today.

I did get up early the past few days and ran 2 - 3 miles (hard to say exactly).  I was also able to join the swim across the lake today - so nice.

We said goodbye to some people yesterday who had to leave early.  I was very sad to see Bill leave.  He was recently diagnosed with cancer and talking with him reminds me so much of what Ruth went through.

New friends and sparklers

new friend

We are having so much fun at the lake!  Bennett went tubing for the first time.  She reported that she wiped out, but was ok.  Some adult provided sparklers at the campfire last night.  Bennett is making new friends and generally running around until she collapses.

I slept in yesterday but got up today and ran about 3 miles.  I finally experienced what Karen T. said most runners have to do on their runs and got bit by the horseflys in the process (I will not go into detail).  Hope to swim across the lake again today!

playhouse next to our cabin

first sparkler!

On Vacation

We are on Vacation with Aunties Liz and Julie!  It is beuatiful here in upper Minnisota.  We are staying on a lake and enjoying swimming, campfires and junk food (at least Bennett is she is currently sharing a pizza with three lovely 20 something kids).

There is limited internet access - just down at the lodge on the dock - which is a great place to hang out.  

Bennett went fishing today and caught her first fish - and about twenty more after that.  She has been having a blast running around with the other kids.

I managed to get up before everyone else two days in a row to jog.  2 miles yesterday and 3 miles today - I have to add that I swam across the lake yesterday.  The lake swim is a Pokela tradition, we actually stopped in the middle and sang some crazy finnish song and I brought back a reed from the other side.

The campfire last night was pretty awsome.  Several of the Pokela's are musical so we had great songs - the kids danced and ate popcorn and smores.

long fun day

It was a long fun day.  I did some work on trimming out the windows I put in the back wall - Bennett helped me.  She climbed the scaffolding, went through the window and then down the ladder.  We went to home depot together to get the trim.

Later we went to the Canoe Club and met up with Sandy and Avy.  Avy and B had a good time running and swimming.  Ruth, Theo and Brad came for dinner -we had a cook out and after more running and swimming had a birthday cake to celebrate Sandy's birthday.  All in all a great day!

mean kids

Here are some pictures Elizabeth sent me.

Ruth loved reading to Bennett.  I have tried to continue reading to her.  We started The Tale of Despereaux at the canoe club this week.  Luckily we have not seen the movie.

B has been a bit clingy this week so I did not go for a run yesterday.  We went to the Canoe club and had a lovely time until the mean kids showed up.  How is it that a five year old can be so mean?

Bennett tries to play with this girl but she repeatedly tells Bennett to go away or excludes her.  At one point the girl would not let B on the play structure.  It breaks my heart to watch.

today

I cannot get beyond today.

Today I cleaned the house - recovery from being out of the house for a day.  I did a visiting artist gig on Saturday at Snow Farm.  It was great - the kids were awesome- all girls and we did wearable objects.  I love the creative and inclusive energy there!

I am sorry I did not bring a camera.  Three girls worked together to make top hats that made all of them the same height.  There was a cat mask, a lion mask and some other great objects made that day.

Bennett and I went to the canoe club today.  We swam and missed Rose but played a bit with Ava and Molly.     Molly was very sweet and shared her toys with B.  She also tried to teach B to dive under to get the toy.  My world has become all about watching B with other kids.  Some of the kids  she just does well with others she has a hard time.

Ran 3 miles today.   I know Zues and I ran 3 miles friday - I need to catch up.  New shoes coming soon!

Hair cut

hair cut

I finally went and got a hair cut.  Bennett went with me and was such a big girl sitting up in the chair to get a trim.  We got to the cheap salon ($12 cuts and they were super nice to B) right before the rush.  I told the salon person to chop my hair off.  She did a good job - I feel lighter.

B went with Tanta in her car without mom to a park today.  Zues and I jogged up to meet them (3 miles).  The water spray was not on the ice cream man told us that the pump was broken.  B wanted to sleep with Tanta she almost did but came to bed with me.  She is still getting used to doing things without Mama - its ok Tanta is very understanding and I love to be with B.

movies

I did not run today - just felt too tired.  Yesterday I did run 3 miles - I think I may need new shoes my feet are fatigued.

We went to the movies today and yesterday.  The art theater yesterday was showing The Neverending Story (a blast from the past).   The main character's Mom died and he finds adventure and hope through a fantasy book.  Today we went to Brave a pixar movie- it is a very good kid movie.  The story and the animation were excellent.  The mom and girl have a huge fight and the mom is turned into a bear by a crazy witch (I sometimes feel like a bear).

B has been taking her new doll Zoe everywhere with her.  It was a present from Aunt Ruth and Theo (extremely well thought out).  She even sleeps with Zoe.  Zoe came with a book that we are reading.  Apparently she lives in NYC with her mom- her dad died from cancer.  The book goes into her memories of her dad -its pretty interesting to us.

endless summer days

I was relying on my sister to provide good pics but she is now blogging so I will have to come up with my own.  So I am trying to upload a video - it was taken sideways and I have no idea how to change it.

We have entered the endless summer days.  All day we hang out go to the canoe club, swim and snack.  I ran today 3.5 and yesterday 3.5 miles both at the gym.  It is too hot for me outside.

blur

bounce house blur.

Tanta Di has a cold.

B and I went to the canoe club today after cleaning all morning.  It was a lovely summer day.

Bennett cried this morning wishing Momo could be with us - she clung to me today.   I made soup for dinner hoping to help Di feel better.

No running today - love this picture Di took of Avy and B in the bounce house!

Big Weekend

We are still recovering.

What a weekend mostly great!  We had a bit of a hard time at the graduation.  Bennett and I both had a difficult time.  I struggled with how to support her and myself.  One of the parents came to me and said we were doing what we needed to do - which was crying and hanging on.  That was wonderful to hear and helped me just continue.

Aunt Ruth and Tanta Di were there steadfast and supportive.  Tanta got a video of the kid next to B hitting her which sent her off.  I cannot blame him since he ended up leaving to go to the er with low blood pressure.  This is just pre-school!

The trip to NYC was great.  Bennett loved seeing the babies and I felt like we did the right thing seeing her with them.  Dori was the co-pilot which was great she was wonderfully social after a glass of wine and was able to keep up with B after the party.  I think we jogged a mile or so after B in Manhattan.

B getting grad certificate

Next day was the big b-day bounce house in the park.  We did it!  Bennett was mostly great - having fun with her friends.  I loved all the people who came - they were wonderful!  Bennett had more presents than she could open in a day.

Aunties and Sisters made it happen- thank you!   

Monday Estelle came to hang out with us - she is such a great kid.  At one point in the day B and Estelle were walking through the house and B was telling the story of when Momo died.  Estelle just listened to B it was incredible to watch.

Dori and I went to the gym  and ran 3.5 miles.  Today I ran with Zeus 3 miles .  We did not do much today -sadly said goodbye to dori and then cleaned.  Tanta Di shopped and we just relaxed.   

Hot days

Summer has arrived here in New England.  It was at least 90 with high humidity today.

Di and I went to Trader Joe's to buy stuff for B's party and the graduation party.  We will be partied out by the end of the weekend.  Friday is the grand preschool graduation followed by a party at the canoe club.  Saturday we drive to NYC for the twins christening party.  Sunday we will be creating chaos at our local park with a bounce house for B's birthday.

Bennett woke up at 5:30 am today to tell me she did not want a bounce house.  I wanted to say too bad your having one, but instead I rolled over and told her to go back to sleep.  She may be a bit excited about the upcoming events.

Zues and I ran yesterday 3 miles.  Today I went to the gym and ran 3.5 miles in the air conditioning.

Tanta Di is here!

Bennett and I are very happy to have Tanta here.  B is currently telling Di a very detailed story with many characters.

Z and I ran 2.5 miles - more tomorrow of everything.

The dingo ate your baby

Aunt Ruth C came over today.  She played with Bennett and chatted with me.  Zeus and I jogged up to Scott's tower 3 miles.  Ruth helped me figure out which of Ruth's handmade sweaters should go to which close friends.  Ruth C is my sounding board now - it is hard I am not good at several friends.  I rely heavily on one or two- I have always been this way.

Ruth C also taught B to say "the dingo ate your baby!"  She is saying it now while playing on the ipad.

crazy projects

ipad obsession

I seem to be keeping myself busy lately.  Between jogging with Zeus in the woods, house projects and getting B to school my time disappears.

Sandy picked Bennett up yesterday from school so I could finish up one of my crazy projects.  I have recently had three kind of bizarre ideas that have taken over my brain.  Two are just about done.  First was to take apart the old piano left in the dance studio downstairs and install the harp in the wall.  Second finish a metal gate I had started a while ago.  Third create an armature to hang a cow skeleton from the ceiling.

metal junk gate

None of these things actually make money or get me further along on my construction work.  Most people would just throw this stuff out.  They do get things out of the way and keep me from sitting around and crying.

B and I went to the farm today after school.  We met Sandy and Avy.  Bennett was tired when we arrived and had a small melt down over the fact that Avy picked the same type of treat that she did.  She seemed to recover after sitting in the shade and eating her ice treat.  For the most part B had a great time playing with Avy.

Sandy watched them for a bit while I obssesively picked peas.

Tired puppy 3 miles yesterday and 2 today.

plans and tp

We are here.

Bennett did not want to get out of bed or go to school today - I said ok.  We did alot for a stay at home day.  She went to the gym play place so I could work out - 3.5 miles today.  B did not want to leave.

We walked Zeus in the rain then went to city hall to check on our bounce house paper work.  Bennett wanted to go to open swim at the y so we did and then to Walmart to get paper, cleaning and plastic stuff ( we really needed tp).  

My plan for the day was to finish a project in the studio but hey - this is life with a 4 almost 5 year old.

Zeus and I ran 2.5 miles yesterday

Life goes on until it is over

This is it life goes on until its over.                              Grab on while it lasts.  Live, live until you cannot.  

My friend Sandy was unusually uncommunicative and I thought she might be mad at me but she was occupied by the fact that her niece is critically ill with cystic fibrosis and may be dying.  Her niece  is not very old in her twenties - life is not fair. 

A good Friend Gail stopped by to visit us tonight - she is a delight and always in the midst of living(really!).  I am happy to hear her daughters are doing well.  Her husband has had a recent fight with cancer and is struggling with his physical limitations put on him by this disease.  All I can say is go Michael go!- find anything that can be yours and have it.  I want to hunt mushrooms with you in the fall and talk of politics and the natural world and how they should be seperate but are not.

Zues and I ran 3 miles in the woods - sometimes I think this is what I am meant to do all day.  All else falls away when we run!  

cookouts and playdates

Another busy day - the oncoming summer seems to bring cookouts and playdates.

Aunt Ruth came over for pancakes this morning.  She and B went to the park while I ran 3 miles with Zues and went shopping.  

Bennett and I then went to a party at Amy and Zan's (prelude parents).  There were wonderful kids, parents and food at the party.  I do feel like a bit of an oddity at these gatherings.  At one point the conversation turned to asking me what it was like to be a single parent - luckily Lisa was there (I think she may be the only other single parent at Prelude) and chimed in. 

Bennett did well sticking with her friend Estelle.  She is a sweet and incredibly mature kid -  Lisa her mom (the single parent) is great and very social - hopefully we will see them this summer.  We got home late, had a bath and went to bed.

dreams and days

Last night I woke up to dreams of Ruth.  We were talking about the future she said she would not be there  but I would.  I just wanted her to hold me and she did.

We went to the farm yesterday first time this spring.  Bennett and Avy ran around barefoot playing in the dirt while Sandy and I picked peas.   I was a bit stern with the girls toward the end I was tired and did not want to chase them down.  Bennett has gotten into the habit of running.  She ran out of a park today while visiting our new friends in Longmeadow.  Her new friend, Letha  got a talking too and I tried to tell B how important it was not to run off.

Letha and her family were very sweet - they had a present for B and one for Letha to share.  We had a lovely time with Letha and her little cute brother Robbie at the park.  Thanks to Lynne who called Megan (mom of family) and introduced us.

I should have had the camera today but did take a pic of last nights dinner - peas, tofu, greens and toasted pumpkin seeds, thanks to the farm.

Liz who is the mother of the farm gave me her condolences yesterday.  She said she would miss Ruth's face and her gracious ways.

These are the days - ran 3.5 miles yesterday nothing today other than running after B.

birthday invites

Some days I am just lost.  I cannot find my way - tried to work on the house but just could not get far today.  Projects seem to big and I am unable to stay focussed.

I did get B to school and ran with Zues 2.5 miles.  We started the invites to B's party - its a bit involved having Bennett write everyones names on the envelopes.  She does not want to write the boys names and I am not sure how to direct people to our park.  We call it the Sargeant St park but its on the town map as the Rohan Park (I have never heard anyone call it that).  I will just do the best I can and give my email for more direction.

Whatever happens will be good - we will have a bouncehouse,  a dog cake(made by Bev!), Avy and Aunties!

clean and fed

Zues is back - we ran 3 miles on Mnt Tom.  It was a beautiful day sunny and rainy, cloudy and cool all in one day like only new england has.

I cleaned the basement studio and cried.

Avy hung out with me and B after school - she is a sweetie and B cried when she left and said that they loved each other!  Sandy reminded me I need to get some invites for Bennett's party out this week - ugh.  I have so much to do but only seem to manage keeping us clean and fed.

Days go by

So much happens in a day.   A possible grant for welding equipment for the race st place- now we need to wait till spring to apply.  I met with Lori and Vteck and they are encouraging about developing the welding studio.   I will invest myself in July building work spaces and hopefully having some mini classes.

Bennett is developing and consuming me - she is incredible!  My sister is coming soon! Then I will look for Mary Poppins to move in with us in the fall.

Ran 3.5 miles today - need to up it - Met a mother of 7 this weekend who looked incredible! hope to keep moving!

may miles

May's miles - not as many as I thought I ran.

◄ April	~ May 2012 ~					June ►
Sun	Mon	Tue	Wed	Thu	Fri	Sat
		1   3.5 miles	2	3  3.5 miles	4	5  3.5 miles
6  3. miles	7   2.5 miles	8   3.5 miles	9  3.5 miles	10  2 miles	11	12
13  3 miles	14  3.5 miles	15  2.5 miles	16	17  3 miles	18  3 miles	19
20	21	22  3.5 miles	23  2 miles	24  2 miles	25  3.5 miles	26
27	28  3 miles	29  3.5 miles	30  3 miles	31  2.5 miles	Notes: Total 63 miles

Taught at SF today to a wonderful group of cyclists.  Both Karen and Steve love to bike so they put together a weekend of biking and art making.  Welding came easily to the group because they were very in tune with their bodies.