feeling easier

I have been feeling a large weight on my chest when I layed down at night.  I pound my chest to ease it.  lately it has gotten lighter My friend Ruth C.  who was Ruth's good, good friend mentioned something about how animals can work through trama better than humans.  They have a phisiCAL  reaction to trama - they shake their limbs afterward.  People tend to carry trama with them.

I run, I beat my chest and recently I have been lifting weights.  I think I must make myself strong to lift the weight on my chest.  I think there are fancy therapies that involve some physical method but running and beating my chest do wonders.

We met Sandy and another new mom from the Hill institute, Patricia at the farm today - Patricia is an older and interesting mom a dancer and anthropologist.  She has traveled to central america and China to adopt her child.  She seems like a wise and wonderful person.

multi- tasking

This week has been about multi-tasking.  Work Bennett- work Bennett.  I have had to deal with trying to work full (or overtime) with B.  I had two teaching gigs I had to take right in the same week.  Luckily I have aunties and friends who have helped out but the stress has worked its toll on me.  I made a fundamental mistake of not clamping something before  drilling and my hand is suffering the results.

My hand will heal but it is a lesson in paying attention to caring for myself and those around me.

B was so exhausted from going and coming with auntie Julie and Liz that she conked out on the way to picking up Zues tonight.  I managed to transfer her to bed where hopefully she will sleep till morning.  Liz offered to come over in the am and let B sleep or relax in her home.  I feel that if she can have two days of not being dragged about early in the am it helps in getting to school during the  week.  Thank you  Liz!

I will not commit to this  much work in the future - I was a bit desperate not making any money over the summer.  There is an art to multi -tasking salute to the single parents who manage to function!

non-compliant

I am exhausted.  

Just when I thought school was going so smoothly I was called into the class room this morning to talk to the teacher about Bennett not listening and plainly refusing to participate in class (the teacher used the word non-compliant).  All I could think was yep that's my girl.  I tried to explain that yes she is a bit difficult and please do make her stand on the sidelines until she wants to join in.  Then this afternoon when I picked her up we were congratulated on how well she did.

I do think we both need the structure of school (I wish someone would come along and tell me what to do).   We had a lovely walk with Sandy and Avy after school.  Sandy and I are scheming about pooling our resources.  I have been running only 2 miles a day with lots of stretches.

Still here

I am coming up for air.

We have been busy and I have been sad.  I spent the week in anticipation and with anxiety about our fall school schedule now realizing that we have it pretty easy.  Bennett seems to like kindergarten - I think it helps alot that her best friend Avy is in her class.  My friends have been very supportive from Sandy putting Avy in B's school and offering to help to Aunties who have been taking B for overnights (hard for me but good for both of us).

I taught on Saturday a beads class at Snow Farm and then today had friends over to make beads in my own studio.  It was fun to have a few nice people over to chat and make beads.  They all took turns paying some attention to B and playing on the torch - really a nice day.

aunties save the day

I have had so much support and help this last week from Aunties Ruth & Theo and Liz & Julie.  Bennett slept over Friday night with Liz and Julie and tonight she is with Ruth and Theo.  It is good and difficult to have a moment to let myself sit in the tiny backyard, look at the stars and cry.

I had planned so many things for this weekend -a trip to NY but I can only just get up and clean the kitchen maybe take the dog for a walk.  I  did make pesto, salsa and guacamoli for dinner at Ruth and Theo's (it was all in honor of RVE).  There is so much at the farm that Ruth would have picked.

Now I realize she is gone.  Ruth said to me a year ago in the  spring this may be my last summer.  I could not and did not want to believe that.  How does that happen?  Someone who is vital and shapes your life is gone.

I went to a concert friday with Ruth C and Theo.  I thought it would be Nora Jones it was George Jones(ha).  He was a very old country singer who had made an impact in his day but was beyond his time on stage.  I could only think why is he still here?  WTF.  When someone so wise, sensitive and full of talent is gone?  I am at a loss of generosity these days.

I have been running 2 miles yesterday - 3 the day before and some earlier this week - stretching often