Miles for March

Here are the miles for March 2012 from the 23rd on a total of 25.25 miles.  I have a ways to go - 974.35 miles.

My sister Deb asked how to contribute to this cause and I have not figured out the particular details.  She of course hit the nail on the head since I am trying to raise money for cancer research through this little project of mine ( Deb is very smart ).  I did contact the livestrong website and they gave me permission to use the logo but I still have not figured out how to link contributions to their site.  I decided to go ahead with this anyway because I needed to do it for myself regardless.  My goal is $1000 which I will donate myself at the end of the year but wouldn't it be great to donate more.

Tomorrow my other sister Diane will come to visit B and I for a week - yeah! Maybe I will enlist her to help me figure out donations.   Deb helped me start my paperwork journey and spent some fabulous time with Bennett.

Tonight I am soo tired.  Even though I was able to sleep in because Bennett was with Aunties.  Bennett and I went to Spence's birthday party at a indoor Monster miniature golf place.  Really crazy many many children, those lights that make everything white glow, lots of monster sculptures some that moved(a bit scary to B) and music from my high school years, pizza, cake - Prince and more.   Bennett gave up trying to hit the ball with her club and just used her feet.  All the parents were really nice - Spence's Moms are incredible but wow!   I think we both may need a day to recover.

I remember getting socks or something for my birthday maybe a cake.  How do parents do it?  Most of the kids looked a bit dazed by the end of the whole thing.

I went out to a movie!

Its been a long time - Thanks to Liz and Julie who organized child care and bought tickets and drove me.

We saw the Hunger Games.  I thought it was well done and a great distraction though Liz got a migraine from the camera movements.  Bennett ended up at Ruth and Theo's for an overnight.

Zues and I went to Mt Tom again today - ran 3 miles still have to walk up the steep hills.  It seemed like it was getting warmer today but I heard it might snow this weekend!

One of Ruth's beautiful stained glass pieces with some forsythia that Paul gave me.











Some of Ruth's beautiful stain glass with some forsythia that Paul gave me

Grief is what you do

Here is the power duo Avy and Bennett!   Aren't they fabulous?

Sandy and Avy came over tonight for a little soup and playtime.  It is hard and good to have people like Sandy and Ruth C around.  When we talk we remember Ruth and share the hole left in our lives.

Ruth C sent me this quote

"Grief is not a feeling. Grief is what you do. Grief is a skill. And the twin of grief as a skill of life is the skill of being able to praise and love life, which means that whenever you find one authentically done, the other is right beside. Grief and the Praise of Life – the Honored Guests, at the head of the table. Grief and life, at the feast. And they are toasting you."

I received the best package from Marianna (Ruth's mom otherwise known to us as maily grandma).  In it were many good books for both me and Bennett.  One in particular "A Grief Observed" by C.S. Lewis has touched me.  He writes about the loss of his partner from a raw place.

"It is hard to have patience with people who say 'There is no death' or 'Death doesn't matter'.  There is death.  And whatever is matters.  And whatever happens has consequences, and it and they are irrevocable and irreversible. You might as well say that birth doesn't matter.  I look up at the night sky.  Is anything more certain than that in all those vast times and spaces, if I were allowed to search them,  I should nowhere find her face, her voice, her touch?  She died.  She is dead.  Is the word so difficult to learn?"

I ran 2.5 miles with Zues on Mnt. Tom  - the hilly trails are tough.  

I said I would run 1000 miles in one year because I would have to run almost every day to do this.   Otherwise I would lay down and stop. 

I can't let you do that

Boy do I hate that phrase!   Ruth said I had a problem with authority.

Thats what the guy at the new park in Holyoke said to me as I was jogging through to go to Scott's tower.  They are re-doing the park.  I guess it will be nice when its done though there seems to be a lot more fences and sidewalks up there now.  I tried to be polite and ask if there was another way to get to the woods  he said no!

The past few weeks have been a test of my authority and bureaucracy issues.  I have had to go from one office to another to file death certificates, change bank accounts and somehow figure out Social Security.  SS were the worst they just could not understand who I was.   I had to explain several times that I was Bennett's mother - they were confused and said but Ruth was Bennett's mother and I would say yes - I am her other mother.  There must be a children's book about this.

Finally we got it worked out and Bennett is receiving benefits(thank goodness) we can buy groceries!   Social Security put a freeze on our other bank account as soon as they found out Ruth died.  Our mortgage payment bounced.  Hampshire just got around to hiring me last week even though I have been teaching there for two months already this semester so I should get paid at the end of the week.  I could go on.

I am tired and all I want to do is cry.  I was supposed to open the flameworking studio last weekend but when Amy called and said she would do it - Bennett and I did not get out of our jammies.  I was also supposed to start moving equipment into a building in downtown Holyoke this week, but Lori said I could call her when I was ready.

"I am supposed to" is another phrase I have a hard time with - Ruth would say to me I have to let it go.

Here are the lights in my life -Bennett woke up smiling - Zues and I managed 3 miles today - I had to drag him a bit.  He has a problem with leashes.

Thanks to all who have responded to this blog and the many people who have sent cards.  I still cannot read them all but I will.

A new day

I tried to put this pic in yesterday but for some reason it would not upload.  Bennett woke up almost refreshed.  We made it to school almost early.  She had pains in her leg before and after school they brought her to tears.  I think it is growing pains but will keep track of it.  Everything is worrisome.

Bennett talks often of what will happen if I die.  I reassure her that there are many aunties lined up to take care of her.  She also wants to visit the polar bears and Fiji.  Polar bears first because if I die Aunt Mary will take her to see Fiji.

Anyone know any cheap trips to the Arctic?

Zeus was back from his other family today - we jogged on Mt Tom.  The old fire road trail many up and downs.  I had to walk up some steep slopes. Probably jogged a total of 3 miles and walked a mile.

lovely little terror

I ran 3.5 miles today around the whiting reservoir - the wind was so strong at times it took my breath away.  The colors of the blossoming trees and shrubs looked godly like they were glowing from within.

Bless the aunties.  I had to work tonight so Aunt Julie came over to sit Bennett.  Bennett was tired and a more than a little uncooperative.  She did not want me to go and threw a big fit to prove it.  Julie was a patient saint putting B in time outs(I am not sure how many it took) to help calm her down.  Bennett was in bed and asleep by 7 pm which was great - she obviously needs the sleep!

Here is our lovely little terror.  This picture is from a sleep over with Aunties Ruth and Theo!

March 25th

I just can't answer the phone.  It rings and I hide.   I am sorry.


I ran 3.25 miles today.  Ruth C came over to play with Bennett.  She was supposed to have a sleepover last night with Ruth and Theo but she had a  bit of a cold so we postponed.

My eyes hurt.

March 23rd

I wanted to cry most of the morning - luckily Aunt Ruth showed up to play with Bennett at lunch time and I went for a jog. I jogged 4 miles today across Hoyloke.  I felt much better after that.

I loaded the kayak on the car.  Bennett and I met Sandy and Avy and went for an adventure.  We saw turtles and played in the mud it was great.

One month

It has been one month since Ruth passed away. She was my love and life partner.http://warrior-ruth.blogspot.com/

I have pledged to myself to run 1000 miles this year from March 23rd 2012 to March 23rd 2013.  I will try to attach this blog to the livestrong site to accept any donations to cancer research.   My goal is $1000 by the end of this year.

I am doing this for myself mostly as I find myself sliding into depression easily.  Going for a jog helps me to see the world in a more positive way.  It  helps me release grief, be more at peace and maintain my blood sugar.

Today I ran 2.5 miles with my dog Zues on the trails of Mnt. Tom.  I do not want any jogging partners other than my dog he is the best.  He does not mind if I cry, slow down or speed up, or if I am lost in my own thoughts.  If I fall down he will faithfully come back to me and try to poke me with a stick or bite me.  Zeus is just what I need right now.

Thank you everyone who has written kind notes, called or just thought of me and Bennett.