six months

 Bennett was playing with the camera on the computer today.  The bottom picture she took of herself the top picture was the one that was on the iphoto screen when I came to the computer tonight.

Our loss is so big.  I think we are both feeling angy and sad.  With my sister gone we float around the house.  I try to get out but I am tired and B resists.  She had a full blown tantrum on the streets of Easthampton yesterday - that took a lot out of us.

Aunt Ruth again came to the rescue and took Bennett to the farm tonight.  I escaped to the gym  ran 2 miles and lifted weights.  Hopefully she will come home tired and relaxed like me.

It has been six months - I can't believe it.

it has been over a week since i have gotten out of the house without B.  zues and i made it to the woods to jog this morning thanks to aunt ruth.  i feel so trapped and alone i have been having dreams of B going to live with someone else.

Sagging roof

My incredible brother Mark and his lovely partner Sue stopped by this weekend.  Typical of my family we somehow did not communicate that they would be stopping by.  It was great anyway.  Mark took on one of the major problems I have encountered while trying to build out the back of our building the sagging underbuilt roof joists.

We worked all day Saturday.  Mark sweating away ripping out crap and putting up new joists, me helping a bit and running to home depot to get supplies.  We managed to get in 6 new joists and began to make the ceiling look a bit straighter.  I can't believe the whole thing didnt fall in before.

A good friend from our home town Paul invited us over to his house for dinner ( in Northampton the town over).  He and his lovely partner Tim (I am jealous of the lovely partners) hosted a wonderful meal and Bennett played with their foster kids.

B, Ruth C and I checked out a potential welding job yesterday.  We met a couple of very interesting women living in a cool building in Holyoke.  They need a gate made for the condo garden - its right up my alley.  I think I will be doing that and getting ready for the fall semester in the next couple of weeks.

Running is hard to maintain - B and I took Zeus out to scotts tower but I have not built my strength up to jogging up hill with B in the stroller.

stretching

I finally managed to get a hold of the director of The Garden.  I made an appointment with her this Thursday to do intake paperwork.  The Garden is the children's bereavement group in Northampton.

I also scheduled a time to get Bennett's paper work processed for the Holyoke public schools- just in case.

Zues and I ran 2 miles today - I have been taking it easy.  My left leg has been bothering me just below my but - I only feel it after I have run for about a mile.  It is annoying - by the end of three miles my left foot is a bit numb.  This started earlier in the summer - I bought new shoes.  My leg still hurt - so I have started stretching.  I guess the stretching should have come before any running.

Ran 2 miles yesterday and 3 the day before

Rain

I miss Bennett.  She is having an overnight with Aunties Liz and Julie and even though I had thoughts earlier today about pealing her off of me and running from the house its very strange not having her here.  The lack of her brings forward my great loss and sadness which is usually held back by focusing on her needs.

It was Liz's birthday party tonight.  Lots of crazy gifts, delicious food and interesting people attended.  I brought a very large mushroom found in the woods today hiking with Zeus.

The day was overall very good - jogged 3 miles at the gym with Bennett in the child watch and hiked with Zues after a big rain storm.

Summer is waning

Bennett had her kindergarten assessment today - basically she met her teachers and did a few things like write her name.  I am still very happy that we chose the Hill Institute for kindergarten.  Its small and lovely which I believe is good for B.

We also stopped at the Cancer Connection to drop off some of Ruth's yarn.  They are truly great people there.  They took B in and played Lego's with her for an hour - forever patient and present.  They mentioned a bereavement group starting up - I said I was hoping to get into the garden a bereavement group for the whole family but I do miss there amazing support.

Later B and I went to the Canoe Club.  We had an hour of jumping, diving and swimming in the NE summer heat.  A summer thunder and lightning storm made us head for home leaving our dive toys in the pool.

I feel regret that I did not go to the gym while my sister is visiting - instead I cleaned the house.  I am feeling sluggish and need to get back to my goals!  The summer is waning - hopefully we will see Sandy and Avy tomorrow.

Ruth's Mom

B amazed with the bride

hope and love live on

What a week- Bennett, myself and Libby made the trek to CA - getting delayed, missing our flight and running about several airports.  Thank goodness Libby was with us - she bravely delt with the customer service people and re-arranged our flights.

We met Maily Grandma - highlight of our trip.  She was interesting and engaging - more than I can say for most people under 70.  Bennett and I were reading a book she gave us tonight and B made up a story about her and grandma on an adventure together.

Bennett had fun with Libby and Carly both girly girls as well as their mother Aunty Jo Jo.  They all danced with Aunt Jana at the wedding.  Bennett was exceptionally good at the wedding - saying a few things during the ceremony.  Mostly she wanted to see the bride and the rings, at one point she said she was bored.  I was concerned but only a few people heard.

libby's nose

Carly's eye

The wedding was really nice (I really don't do weddings).  The bride and groom are both great people very progressive.  Though I was sad at moments it was good to see hope and love live on.

Bennett's pics - I have only run 3 miles this whole week uggh!

mushrooms and hello kitty

I am not sure when I posted last.  Ran with Zues yesterday early - I snuck out.  Tried to do the same today but Bennett caught me.  She got up early and wanted to go running with me.  So we all went up to Mnt Tom we jogged for 5 seconds then B said she was tired.  So we went hunting for mushrooms and little orange lizards.

cooked mushroom went to the party

We met a potential babysitter in the park afterward - she was young and very nice.  I went to the gym while B had lunch - just lifted weights because of lack of time to shower.

hello kitty build a bear w pull up on

Bennett had her 5 year exam today.  It pretty much took up the whole afternoon and after 3 shots she was ready to just go home.  I have to say she was a trooper and sat very still while clinging to me.  She  was able to give her new hello kitty bear a shot which helped a bit.

Tanta and Libby did an incredible deed yesterday by taking B to the mall.  Not only did they build a bear with her they got her some really great new clothes (Libby has great taste).  I snuck away last night to a party at SF - it was fun!

I am not looking forward to fall and lack of childcare and flexibility - it is so nice to have other adults in the house.

mushroom from yesterdays jog 

I ran 3 miles yesterday and both of the days prior.  My left leg has been bothering me a bit - so today it was fine to just hunt mushrooms and stretch.