I am frozen yet going forward. That is the life of a widow with a child. She does not let me stop and I do not want to.
I am thinking of my niece Natasha who recently lost her husband (42 yrs old) with 6 kids. How will she cope? I remember taking a trip with her parents across country and trying to make her hike with me. Natasha was a kid maybe 6 or 7 and I wanted to hike for hours- there was lots of crying and we did some hiking for a bit. Natasha has a lot of grit for parenting, going to school and living with dibieties. Which I admire and aspire to as I now share that disease. Life is a crazy circle
Sunday, August 11, 2013
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Love after loss
Ruth said that I would have another girlfriend. This was hard for me to hear at the time. Now I understand the grace that she had in giving me her acceptance that I would continue to live without her.
Part of me does not want to have this but part of me is driven to pursue something. I am in something that is good and difficult. I want to give myself to it but am scared and also compare it to what I had with Ruth. This makes it even harder. I also have B to consider. She has had my undivided attention this past year but I do want to have a life beyond being a mother.
These are the difficult choices.
Part of me does not want to have this but part of me is driven to pursue something. I am in something that is good and difficult. I want to give myself to it but am scared and also compare it to what I had with Ruth. This makes it even harder. I also have B to consider. She has had my undivided attention this past year but I do want to have a life beyond being a mother.
These are the difficult choices.
Shame
Tonight Ruth Copeland asked me why I stopped the blog. I had to say I was ashamed of my anger toward my friends and I did not know how to balance my private feelings and the public blog. I felt like no one understood what i was going through. My Ruth seemed to balance that with precision. Also I stopped running which was the promise I tried to give and was unable.
I have come to the point where I have accepted the loss of Ruth, I had to tell another neighbor she had passed away. Unfortunately I am not as good, gracious or gentle as she was. So here I am struggling to be good and whole when part of me is gone. I still want love and to have life with me. Of course Bennett is wonderous and good but the dream is to watch that develope with someone else and that is difficult.
I have come to the point where I have accepted the loss of Ruth, I had to tell another neighbor she had passed away. Unfortunately I am not as good, gracious or gentle as she was. So here I am struggling to be good and whole when part of me is gone. I still want love and to have life with me. Of course Bennett is wonderous and good but the dream is to watch that develope with someone else and that is difficult.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)