Momo's eyes

Tonight was the last Monday night I had to teach this semester - yea!  Bennett was incredibly accepting of me leaving tonight.  She understands most things.   This kind of floors me because she has very little patience and self control and often looks as if she is not listening to a word I am saying.

I went to Snow Farm today to finish the little railing gaurd outside of the drawing studio.  It was a sunny clear cool day perfect for a little work.  It was so good to see old friends - SF really is a family to me.  I got hugs and talked about how Bennett is so amazing - asking questions adults avoid.

This made me remember when I got the urns and talked with B about Momo's cremains (that is the word for ashes I was told).  She asked where were Momo's eyes?  Such an incredible question.

I wonder myself where are her eyes?

I ran 2.75 miles today in a rush at the gym and 3.5 miles yesterday at the reservoir (thats when I get my wings on).  Thank you Aunties for helping so much - I could not do it without you.

Better Day

What happened to yesterday?  It was a much better day than Thursday.  I let alot of things go.  I told Bennett that I would pick her up mid day.  She was very pleased with this and let me leave her at school with out a fit.  I told myself all I needed to do was walk the dog and go for a jog (3.5 miles).  I accomplished both of these things before having to get B and it felt good.

It is a difficult balance of what should, could, can and will be done.

I have enjoyed comments that remind me that most people have some difficult times with small children.

dirty little ramps

nicely pickled

We spent yesterday afternoon shopping, eating ice cream and generally not worrying about anything.  I made an attempt to pickle ramps.

I was the gatherer of dirty edible things and Ruth was the processor.  Now I feel compelled to continue and rummage through her recipes and notes to follow her lead.  Its alot of work.

Today I cleaned the house - B did not want to put clothes on.  She finally did to take Zues out then we bundled up to go to Snow Farm.  I wanted to try to finish the railing I had promised Karen I would make.  Auntie Julie came to take B to see the tiny puppies.  She went and I made considerable progress on the project.  It was nice to say hello to several SF people who were up teaching.  It was a beautiful sunny cold day.

rough morning

Rough morning.  I dragged Bennett from bed at 9 am.  She had her eyes closed as I dressed her only opening them to refuse the dress I had chosen.  After peering at about 10 dresses she picked one and allowed me to put it on her as she was in a rag doll state.  We made it to school at about 9:45 (drop off is from 8:30 -9 am).

I stayed through circle time.  It is pretty cool to see what concepts they are working on days of the week, seasons, months, years ect.  It is also interesting to see that out of roughly 20 kids - 5 are bored - 10 are really engaged and 5 are kind of lost but I am sure getting something (they are the deaf boy, shy girls and young ones).  I remember going through school being bored, engaged and occasionally lost.  B is among the lost right now though I know she is still getting so much from school.

Leaving was difficult.  I had to ask for help and one of the teachers had to physically restrain B so I could leave the building.  How many times a week does she need to be restrained from running and kicking while screaming and crying?  I am not sure probably an average of one time a day.

Its taking its toll - I got home around 11 am and could not muster the strength to do any of my planned work.  I wanted to go to SF to finish a railing - ha good luck.  I managed to take Zues out for a run in the woods - 3 miles and I did the dishes!

Good friend Ruth C. reminded me things will get better.

I have enjoyed some good posts from Mary, Jim and others - this made me smile


Don't forget, there are polar bears in Central Park

This is Toes our lovely kitty that Ruth found on the side of the road and swore to me she thought the sign read free kitchen (I had said I did not like cats).  We laughed many times about that story.

going low

Lately I have been falling asleep with Bennett then waking up in the middle of the night with low blood sugar.  Its a bit of a pain.  I guess I should count myself as lucky since I can feel myself going low and can get up to eat something.

Usually I eat more than I need because I do not want to wake up again this can lead into my rollercoaster blood sugar days.  I will have numbers in the 200 -300 range then down to 70 or less a few hours later after trying to adjust with insulin.

I really hate talking about it.  I like to maintain the illusion that I am in control.

We skipped Tai Chi tonight.  Bennett did not want to go.  We talked about it in the car on the way home from school - she said she has to go to school and mama has to go to work but we do not have to go to tai chi.   I agreed with her assesment so we snuggled on the couch, watched a movie, took a bath and went to bed.

We did miss Aunt Ruth.

Ran 3 miles today.

Manic Monday

Another Manic Monday.

Bennett had a great day at school but after a chilly play date with Avy at the park she had a major meltdown.  All caused by a small strawberry shortcake doll at least thats what she was yelling for.  Avy had brought two ss dolls to play and share with Bennett.  When it was time to go B had a fit when I told her she had to give Avy back her doll.

I had to physically restrain her from running after Sandy and Avy as they left the park.  We managed to walk home and settle down to some strawberry shortcake on netflix.

When it was time for me to go to Hampshire B was very sad.  She cryed and asked me to stay just a little bit longer -heartbreaking.

Ruth and B at Snow Farm

Later when I got home the Auntie report was that B had a very nice time with both Auntie Julie and Ruth.

Only one more Monday night to go this semester - ran 3.5 miles today.

our minds are monsters

bounce/play house

I have been so tired I have been falling asleep with Bennett.  Friday night we camped out in Ruth and Theo's yard.  It was fun.  Sandy and Avy came over while I was setting up the huge tent.  Sandy helped me prevent it blowing into another yard.   We staked it down, blew up the air mattresses and the kids played in it like a bounce house fort.

roasting marshmellows! Theo is so good

Theo threw together a barbecue and we all hung out.  B and I were comfortable in our mansion tent but in what seemed like the middle of the night a car pulled into the driveway with their lights on and someone ran into the yard and back out creating very large shadows on the tent.  Many things went through my head and I had a hard time sleeping after that.  Theo informed me in the next day that it was the paperboy.   Our minds are monsters.

I packed us up the next morning anticipating rain for the next few days.  Then B and I went to Snow Farm for clean up day.  She helped a lot.  Aunties Liz and Julie stole her away to see 2 day old puppies.  I ran some miles maybe 2.5 (unsure but think that is close got lost and ended up on an unknown side road) around a lake near their house.

I ran 3.5 today at the gym today.  Ruth C. came over to let me get out Thanks!  When Bennett woke up this morning she said she wanted to stay in bed for a week.  I told her that might get a bit boring but I understood the urge.

look again in your heart

 I love this picture.  Something about the look in Bennett's eyes and Bob's big hand.  This was taken the last time Bob and Jim visited us.

So many good things - my sister Deb posted this -

When you are sorrowful, 
look again in your heart,
And you shall see that in truth you are weeping
For that which has been your delight.

from The Prophet
by Kahill Gibran

This is true.  Ruth was my delight and she left so much delight in my life.

The delightful duo Ruth and B.




Zues and I ran 3 miles today - no poop rolling thank goodness!

poop and puke

Yesterday was cleaning up puke today was scrubbing off poop.  Life with a child and a dog keeps it real.

I decided to run with Zues at the reservoir today because I love it there.   Zues came running out of the pines with a look of glee on his little face smeared in brown eew.  Unfortunately people sometimes use the pines at the reservoir as a restroom.  I spent most of the afternoon cleaning him off in the backyard - lovely day for it!  He did look so cute and fuzzy afterward -I totally forgave him.

Bennett had a better transition this afternoon when I went to work.  We met Sandy, Avy and "the Brad"(he is a bit of a roofing and skateboarding superhero)  at the park after school - I was able to say goodbye and leave without much fuss.  I believe she had an excellent time with them.  When they dropped her off at home at 6 pm she then had a fit.   She spent a good 45 minutes crying about the loss of playing with Avy.

How does anyone get over the "loss" in life?

Ruth C believes Bennett is using the time I have to leave her (at school or to go to work) and leaving Avy as time to work out loosing Momo- thus the crying fits.   I think she is averaging 1 hour a day of crying.

I have a few buddhist books about dying and can understand the idea of letting go of our ideas of life and the grasp they have on us,  but I have to say that dealing with the poop, the puke and the crying fits keeps me here in life.  I do not have time to meditate thank God (whoever that is) even though I am in pain I cannot see another way through this so I must be on the same page as Bennett.  Cry then go on and play or run.

We ran 2.5 miles-

Crazy Mom

Today started with Bennett throwing up in the bed.  I thought she was just trying to avoid school until she threw up.  The night before had been another rough Monday.  I had to call in an extra Auntie (Julie was there so we called Ruth C) to reassure B that everything was ok when I left for work.  Her sleep was full of tossing and crying.

We did have a great day on Monday - it was Patriots day here in MA so B was off school.  She and I bought a large tent from a fellow in Holyoke, then we loaded the kayak on the car and met Sandy and Avy.  Kayaking was the perfect activity in the 90 degree weather.  The girls were muddy little wild things on the islands of the oxbow.  The only thing that ruined the day for B was that I had to leave that night to teach.

Today was a home day but I felt compelled to do something.  I started to clean our closet which put me in tears.  I did manage to get some of  Ruth's  things bagged and downstairs.  By that time Bennett was feeling better so we escaped to apply for her new passport.  She bought a very pink envelope for Aunt Mary while at the post office and then she passed out in the car on the way home.

Ruth C and I had this crazy plan that we would go to Tai Chi in Northampton on Tuesday nights.  Tonight was the first Tuesday.  The plan was that B would hang out with RC while I took the early class the RC would take the later class.

Bennett just does not want to loose sight of me.  She stayed for the entire class (did fairly well and everyone was amused by her giggles and retying my shoe in a large knot) until she got stepped on by one of the tai chiers.  We left in tears hoping that we did not interrupt the class too much.

It is so hard to leave her - I need to dig out the jogging stroller.  I have not run for three days.  I took Sunday off because I was tired.  Then I thought ok Monday is a holiday but today I should have put B in the stroller and run.  My logic she was too sick but of course I dragged her out to get her passport done and to Northampton to a Tai Chi class - crazy mom - poor kid.

Here is her new passport photo and she filled in the other box with a drawing of her and Avy (that is what she said).  I am not sure which one is which - they are really much closer in height and hair length - it looks more like me and B.

life boat

I am trying to read "When husbands die"(another gift from Marianna).  I was initially turned off by the title  and still am having a hard time.  It was written by Smith Alumni which is interesting to me since the school is in the next town and Ruth worked there.  Ruth would tell me stories of the wealth of the alumni and the social decorum.  I guess thats why I am having difficulty relating.  She also had a difficult time working there and felt released when she was let go from the position.

Many of the women in the book feel some release from their husbands death (as is natural from prolonged illness).  Of course I did not want Ruth to feel more pain but I do not feel released.

Most of the women are over 60.  Not to say that is that far away from me but having a 4 year old makes it further.  I searched for the small percentage of women who were younger but as the book says "Obviously the women with young children were busy beyond belief.  They had little time to meet the needs of their own grief"

It is true I feel often my energy is focussed toward Bennett and her grief.  This is not bad.  I rely on her to guide me through my own grief.  I often feel like we are on a life boat at sea.


Mary and Ruth - young and older.  they shared a boat through life.

2 miles

I managed 2 miles today with Zues.

I keep thinking things should be getting easier and Ruth C. reminds me that life is just not like that.

#5

I cannot believe it is mid April.

How does time keep going forward?  The important thing is we are getting closer to June 23rd, which is Bennett's birthday.

She talks about that date nearly every day.  I have told her we may have to have the party on a different date (I am teaching at SF that weekend).  This does not thrill her.  I hope to convince her with the possibility of two parties - a friend party and an auntie party(on her actual b-day which I might have to miss though Karen offered up SF for her party).

Kid's parties have gotten to be such a big deal.  This weekend there will be one at the Children's Museum in Holyoke (one of her classmates).  I don't remember ever having many birthday parties as a kid.  Of course having a birthday at the beginning of February in a snow belt miles from a town made it difficult.  I remember often getting socks for my birthday.  Bennett might be disappointed with socks.

In any case this may be a hard birthday for her without Momo. Di left this picture of Ruth and Bennett on my computer along with some movies (which I have yet to open).

Ruth wanted so badly to see Bennett turn 5.

Ruth always planned the parties - #3 was at the bowling ally what chaos!  There were three year olds running up and down the lanes chasing gutter balls.  The management was not entirely happy with us.  #4 was at the park much more suitable for running though it was difficult finding a spot to put our picnic blankets down that did not have dog poop nearby.

I will try my best to channel Ruth and find a bounce house to rent, some place to put it and invite some small people.  Possibly there will be food and cake.

ps ran 3.5 miles today - moved some stuff to the new studio - weather was dramatic - dark clouds and bright sun.

The fog

I did 3.5 miles today at the gym.  The weather was damp and dreary so I opted for the treadmill and steam room.  Yesterday Zues and I ran about 2.5 miles on Mt. Tom.

I have had a tough week.  I can not seem to stay focused on anything and find myself wandering around.  Usually jogging will snap me out of my fog but right now it seems to be just getting me out of the house.

Bennett is still saying she does not want to go to school and crying when I leave her there.  I have been reassured by the teachers and the director that she is fine but it still feels so difficult and draining.

Marianna sent me another great email including letters she wrote to her family after her husband Dirk died.  What I found incredible was all of her sentences made sense and she was writing correspondence to people soon after his death (I still can't even read some of the letters I have received).  She is an amazingly strong and organized woman.

She inspired me to write my to do list today and to start filing all the paper work.  I have also committed myself to moving my welding studio to a new arts building in Holyoke (I met with the directors yesterday).  The link is http://gatewaycityarts.wordpress.com/.  I am hoping this will spur me to work more on sculpture and just be around people!

I really do not feel like doing anything - hopefully that will change.

Jellyfish from the Boston Aquarium trip that we did with Mary on the way to the airport.

Puppy?

Monday seems to bring about a lot of crying.  Crying, kicking, screaming and running.  Bennett did not want to be left.  At school or later in the day when I had to go to work.  She ran out of the house chased by Auntie Ruth I could see them and hear Bennett crying as I drove away.

I also cried just thinking about leaving her.  Leaving has become heart wrenching for both of us.

Ran 3.5 miles on the treadmill today - something so satisfying about the treadmill - consistent and controlled.

I want to get a puppy but think this might be crazy.

This is a picture of B and I at the butterfly place in Deerfield - Sally Prasch took this picture.

Easter bonnet

Another fabulous Easter at Auntie Ruth's and Theo's.  We had egg hunting, Easter bonnet making, the Easter bunny and dinner.

At the dinner table we went around and each shared a remembrance of someone in heaven.  Bennett remembered Momo.

So perfect and beautiful and heartbreaking.





Here they are two years earlier at the Easter bonnet party.

Happy B-day Tanta

Tanta Di had to leave today on her birthday.  We had a great dinner with other aunties at the Great Wall (the best Chinese restaurant in the valley) last night.  We went to Northampton yesterday to B's favorite spots A to Z (toy store) and Herril's (ice cream).  Diane bought Bennett presents even though it was her own birthday and both B and Di enjoyed ice cream.  I got a black eye from a bicyclist on the sidewalk which looked dramatic (blood and swelling) but didnt really hurt much.

I ran 3.5 (maybe a bit more) through Holyoke (to Mnt. Tom  and back).  Today I ran around the reservoir 3.5 miles both beautiful days!

Bennett spent quite a bit of time with Aunties Ruth and Theo today which helped her to let Tanta Di leave.  When we got home she immediately asked where is Tanta Di?  We talked about how Tanta Di would come this summer to spend fun time with us.

I hope Di and my other sis Dorotha are having a great night tonight - wish we could all be together.

Tanta and B I padding.

separation anxiety

Bennett had a very difficult transition this morning.  She did not want me to leave her at school and plainly said she wanted me to be with her all day.

On the way to school she talked about missing Momo. She asked me if I would grow to be as tall as Momo and other Momo related questions.  During the bedtime routine she asked if she or Avy would die first and if she would get tumors.

She is working so hard to integrate so much.  I think she is doing more in her little heart and head than I can imagine.

Tomorrow we will take a day off from school and hang out with Tanta Di.  Its her last day here and we want as much Tanta Di time as we can get - its also her birthday this weekend.

Even though its Diane's birthday she has been so generous this week - helping me, Bennett and Zues (buying dog food and paying for my car to be fixed).  She walked Zues today so I could go to the gym.  I ran 3.5 miles.  Occasionally I like the treadmill so I can see my pace and I enjoy the steam room (very relaxing).  What an amazing family and group of friends I am so lucky.

Why blog

I did 3.5 miles today in around and out of whiting reservoir.  It is a great run no major ups or downs and your on a nice open flat path.  It was an incredible spring day - the wind to my back made me feel like I was flying (I wasn't going that fast but it felt great).

My sister and I had a grand evening with Avy, Brad and Sandy.  Dinner, talk and cheese!

I was thinking today about why I decided to do this.  Part of me thinks I did not want to let go of the ritual of blogging every night that Ruth did.  I always read it and sometimes gave input so felt very much apart of it even though it was Ruth's blog.  The blog was a great way for us to remember some of the little (but great and sometimes terrible) things that happened during the day.  It is amazing how days can pass and you can forget many of the details.

Also having to write down every day how far I have run solidifies my commitment to running 1000 miles.

Then there is the fact that I have to process what has happened.  One thing that Ruth taught me was not to run away (though as you can tell from the blog that is what I want to do) but to be in my life.  Bennett is also teaching me this as I believe most children do.

This is one of the last pictures of Ruth.  She was watching top chef with her sisters in St. Lucia.

hills are hard

Zues and I went for a run on the old fire road trail on Mnt Tom  - 3 miles.  Beautiful day - the hills still cause me to loose my pace.  They are hard maybe in a year I will be able to run up them.

Diane helped me get a few more things knocked off my paper work mountain this morning (thanks Di).

We took Bennett to the park to meet Sandy and Avy.  Bennett and Avy played, rode bikes, flew a kite and had a lot of fun.  Di took a few great pics.

Bennett was sad at bed time.  She said she missed Momo and was home sick.  I always felt Ruth was my home - from the moment I met her.

She also asked where Momo was.  We talked about the fact that her body was in box in the studio and we needed to put it in the new pots we got.   I think I need to talk to Ruth C about this to figure it out.  Bennett fell asleep easy and snuggled close to me.

Tuesday is always better than Monday.  There is more time to breath.


Here are some girls with secrets and stories to tell.

Diane is here

My sister Diane arrived last night around 6 pm - with lots of presents for Bennett and Cheese for me!   Its great to have family here.   We had a bit of catching up to do so did not post yesterday.  Diane took care of my Mom the last year before she died which was very close to the time Ruth was diagnosed.

Bennett went to Auntie Liz and Julies yesterday - Liz, Bennett, myself and the dogs went for a walk in the woods near their house.  I found two ticks on Bennett today- one imbedded in her neck!  Luckily it came out on its own.  I did take her to the doctor to get checked out - it was a deer tick but because it came out within 24 hours there is very little chance of her getting lime disease.  It makes me itch just thinking about it.

this is the offending tick

I went to the gym around 2:20 yesterday got in about 17 minutes running on the treadmill before they kicked me out.  They close early on Sundays - I did manage to run 2 miles.

Today I did not run - I just had to much going on.  Two good felter friends came to visit and do a bit of welding - Linda and Carol - they are so great and supportive.  Then I had to walk a little dog - Pippet - Diane came along -then we picked Bennett up - I took B to the doctor - then I taught at Hampshire.  Diane managed to put Bennett to bed - she utilized her magic ipad ways.

I hope tomorrow will be less busy.