Good times

Lynne and B 

We are exhausted from our weekend.  It was great.  Lynne a friend from Alfred came up from NYC to visit us.  She is very kind, generous and loves kids.  Bennett took to her right away and they had a lot of fun.

Magically Lynne made a few calls and we ended up meeting up with two Alfred grads that live in the area.  One had two kids a boy and a girl - the girls birthday was only a few days away from Bennett's.  We invited them over to play and have Popsicles (it must have been 90 degrees at the park).  I think everyone had a good time - the kids were so sweet!

The other grad has a building right next to the one I am getting involved in.  It was great to see how much work they had done on the building and how much more they had to do!  This weekend was a much needed boost of good energy though I do not think B got to sleep before 9 pm.

exhausted B with Aunty

Sadly I dropped Lynne off at the train this morning.  I then went home to meet the Hampshire girls that are doing work exchange for studio time.  They are young and full of ambition and do not let me stop to become morose.


Zues and I ran 3 miles yesterday and I ran 3.5 miles today at the gym - I could not face the heat.  


Yeah! Aunt Ruth is back from her trip and dropped by tonight.

keeping busy

We have been very busy the past few days.  Bennett was out with Avy till bedtime last night.  They played in the park, went to friendly's for dinner and generally acted like little hooligans.  

Today we went to Aunties and saw some very cute puppies!  I think Aunties might be trying to get me a deal on the runt - he is so sweet, but all the others are already sold for $1,600 each (I am not holding my breath).  

B is currently passed out in a fetal position on my lap.   She was clingy all day and I had a struggle to get her into the bath tonight.  She is exhausted.  We are going to the train station tonight to pick up my friend Lynne hopefully the nap will help.

I ran 2 miles on thursday and 3.5 on friday - nothing today.

our hopes

So much to do - sometimes I just sit and cry.

I was going through Ruth's emails trying to reconfigure the computer email and came across this

"Ruth van Erp" <ruth.vanerp@gmail.com> 6/26/2007 9:45 AM >>>

Bennett Ranger van Erp was born June 23 at 7:10.  She weighed in at 6
lbs 7 oz and is 20.5 inches.  Moms and baby are doing great.  Pat was
incredibly heroic and graceful during labor and Bennett came out
screaming.  We are so happy to see her.  Pictures and more info will
follow.

Thanks to everyone for such wonderful support and love!

Love,

Ruth and Pat


I often think that Ruth should be here with Bennett not me - it was her energy and love that brought Bennett into the world.  


Bennett said tonight that Momo always made her feel better.


Ran 2 miles with zeus today.

Magic

lovely aunty

Magic is an important element in our life right now.  Bennett wants Santa to bring her Momo and magic.  She is in love with mermaids and barbie all impossible things.

I want Santa to bring me a live in babysitter.  My sister is coming for the summer - which is excellent but I need to do something during the school year.  I will be teaching two nights a week and would like to have someone to take care of   Bennett that lives with us.  That would be magical.

We took a large chocolate cake to school today - luckily the teachers are wonderfully flexible and used it for a snack.  We made it yesterday and I had no idea what to do with it.

Ran 3.5 miles at the gym that felt good.

Snow Farm

It turned out to be a great weekend - I once again loved teaching at Snow Farm!

The combination of sharing information, wonderful people and a beautiful environment makes it fun.   There is a very non competitive feel to the place which appeals to me.  I have always been interested in the quiet and sensitive people.  Here is one cutting metal - love it!

She lost her husband 10 years ago - I did not get the details of what happened to her daughter but she wanted to make a memorial to them.  We did not finish all she wanted to make but I hope to help her in the future.  She was lovely.

So were the other people in the class!

B and I took the day off together - we hung out in jammies, cleaned, played tickle and puzzle then made a cake.  Hopefully we will take the cake to school tomorrow.

No running for 4 days - ugh.

Wiped out

Today was the first day of a two day intensive welding class that I am teaching at Snow Farm this weekend and I am wiped out.  I had to get myself and B up at dawn to drop her at aunties before class.

When I arrived at Snow Farm my early bird student talked non stop at me while I set the studio up.  She ended up being a challenging student and walked out of class frustrated by "the performance of the welders- they would not work for her." Everyone else seemed fine - I also had an extra student that no one seemed to know about - he was perfectly pleasant.

Usually I have a lot of fun teaching these classes - but the added stress of attending to Bennett's needs morning and night, demanding students and an extra full class has been tough.

Julie brought Bennett to SF after class.  She ran around like mad.  Luckily Amy offered to show my slides so I could take her home early.

Last year B in the hay hut

And we do it all again tomorrow - I do not know how people do this.

scare the s-t out of me

I wanted a day with Bennett because I have to teach this weekend.  We went to Snowfarm fixed welders, looked for frogs and hid from adults (the last one was all B).  Karen and I got a bit scared searching for B after lunch envisioning her exploring the stream by herself we were both farm children and knew kids did disappear, but Janet and Christine thought more and found her hiding amongst the blankets in a spare room.  It is amazing how she will stay hidden and scare the s-t out of me.

I do love that child and wonder how can I raise her alone?

This is the question.  Thank goodness for all the amazing people(women mostly) in my life - and I think of Vtek(he is a super nice guy) and Lori when they envisioned B wandering their building as the little art child of 92 Race St. Holyoke.  That is a wonderful vision.

Zues went to Marsha today - I am sure he is happy- we ran 3 miles yesterday together with lead on my feet and the day before I ran 3 miles at the gym.  Probably no running in the next few days but talking and teaching are also theraputic.

Rain storms

I have a box of letters that everyone sent after Ruth died.  Most I could not read at the time I received them.  I tucked them away as they came now the mail has returned to bills and advertisements and I will start to re-visit the box.

Avy came over for a play date after school today.  B did pretty well only one fairly quiet fit.  Bennett still has a hard time sharing.   I had a stash of salami to offer Avy while she waited for B to recover.  The fits in general have decreased.

Sandy asks a lot of questions - she is a journalist.  While we ate my soup from the freezer Sandy asked if we should seek out therapy.  I believe we came to the conclusion that we are ok - working through a great deal but not clinically depressed.  I will join the bereavement group when it opens up(the fall).

I owe a lot to Sandy, Ruth C, the woods, jogging and Marianna (Ruth's Mom).    Everyone is going through their own pain but somehow they listen to me and B and help.  Marianna sent me another great email (they come once every few weeks well thought out).  She told me of the things she held onto of Dirk's - so simple, beautiful and powerful.

Zues and I jogged 2.5 miles on Mnt Tom - in between the rain storms.

I Am Holyoke

The day after Mother's day I got out my to do list.  B went to school with little fuss.  I finished student evals, cleaned, shopped, picked up my holyoke t-shirt, took the dog for a walk, ran 3.5 miles and took some of Ruth's clothes to the thrift store.

I drove around for several days with Ruth's clothes in the back of the car.  There is something so permanent about giving away her shoes.  Her orange paint splattered sneakers probably should have been thrown out but to me they where more valuable than the new unworn keens.

new shirt really need a haircut and some sleep

There are still piles of shirts and hand knit sweaters in the closet.  When Ruth C. gets back from her trip I hope to enlist her in helping me send the sweaters to friends who might use or appreciate them.

B and I just relaxed after school.  Watching netflix- I admit we both love anime and some of it is odd.  We watched a movie called Don't bug me.  The bugs were animated and did song and dance routines which B loved.  The humans were very weird and everything was subtitled so I had to snuggle B and interpret.

mother's day

Bennett and I had a lovely Mother's Day thanks to Aunt Ruth and Theo.  Ruth came over in the morning intending to let me sleep in but I used the time to do chores and jog 3 miles with Zeus.  He and I were very happy afterward.

We then walked/biked over to their house for a wonderful brunch in their fairy tale yard.  Bennett looked for bugs and ate eggs n sausage.  I relaxed and chatted with adults.  The weather and food were great and so was everyones moods.

sweet babe

B and I came home - my intention was to go grocery shopping we were out of everything- but we just hung out and continued to clean.

Yesterday was the opening of the Race st building - fun and exciting!  I did not jog yesterday but did friday 2 miles with Z in the woods.  B and I took toes and Zeus to the vet on friday afternoon.  She really has been so much more cooperative and happy since my class at Hampshire finished up.

Therapy

I do believe this is therapy.

It was for Ruth -most every night she needed to post until she could not.  Her sister Joanne posted her last post dictated somewhat by Ruth in St. Lucia.  Ruth's lack of posting told me as much as the color of her that we were losing.  I wanted to keep going.  It was not possible.

I am still trying to understand this.

I barely ran 2 miles.

April's miles

I forgot to post this at the begining of May and then I forgot how to get it on the blog.  Finally I remembered cut and paste (again my brain is failing me).  Ruth C added up my miles last month and said I was on track.  I do think I got a bit behind in April so will try harder this month.

◄ March	~ April 2012 ~					May ►
Sun	Mon	Tue	Wed	Thu	Fri	Sat
1  2 miles at the gym	2	3  3 miles mnt tom	4  3.5 miles whiting reservoir	5  3.5 miles gym	6  3.5 miles Holyoke highlands	7  3.5 miles reservoir
8	9  3.5 miles gym	10  2.5 miles bray lake	11  3.5 miles gym	12  3.5 miles	13  2 miles	14
15	16	17	18  2.5 miles	19  3 miles	20	21  2.5 miles
22  3.5 miles	23  3.5 miles	24  3 miles	25	26  3 miles	27  3.5 miles	28
29  3.5 miles reservoir	30  2.75 miles	Notes:  I missed some days this month unsure of the 14th and the 25th.

I ran 3.5 miles in Holyoke today to the end of the Highlands and back.  My anxieties about travel and Ruth's family have subsided.  Joanne sent me a message that we could figure it out.

I also rented a bounce house for the big 5 birthday.   I was feeling a bit desperate when I told one of the other Mom's from B's school that she wanted a bounce house and she laughed and asked where would I put it - she knew where we lived (postage stamp yard).   I tried the canoe club but they do not allow them for private parties - then at a last ditch effort I called the Holyoke Park and rec office.  They said sure just make sure the place I rented from had appropriate insurance.   Ha Mom's with big yards we can have a bounce house too

Sweet and sick

i did not eat this squirrel (facebook food challenge)

Our kitty Toes brought in this squirrel the other day.  She has been diligent mostly bringing in mice on average 1 every two days.  I think she is trying to help.

I found one under the bed the other day.  I am not sure if there are more - the house smells a little sweet and sick - this reminds me of when Ruth was dying.  I clean and clean and it is still there.

My mind is not well.  Joanne (Ruth's sister) has been trying to make travel plans with me to a wedding this August and my fear and confusion have messed it up.  She tried to create a vacation for B and I at her condo but I cannot stand the thought of being alone with B somewhere I do not know.  When she offered this to me I just remembered being there with Ruth and all of the cousins I did not think about being there this summer - just me and B possibly Janna (who has to work and has so many responsibilities of her own) visiting in the evenings.  I jumped at the opportunity to visit my memory now it just makes me sad.

The tickets were bought - I am such a pain asking to please back out.

This problem has consumed me for the past two days.  This is why Ruth always made all of our travel plans - I was the hauler not the thinker.  I just hope the van Erp's are not as bothered.

Zues and I ran 2.5 miles yesterday on Mnt Tom and I ran 3.5 miles today at the gym - I am trying to make the distance before 30 minutes but still have .10 miles to get under.  

single mom imprisonment

giant spider

Here are a couple of projects from the Hampshire class this semester.  I have to wrap up final evaluations this week and spent most of my weekend avoiding it (cleaning).  

metal rose

Ran with Zues on Mnt Tom this morning thanks to Aunt Ruth coming over - 3 miles.

Played in Aunt Ruth and Theo's yard with Sandy and Avy.  Aunt Theo cooked an excellent meal on the grill.

Thank you Aunties for saving me from my single mom imprisonment this weekend!

loss reminders

Life is odd.   I was stuck in the house today - Bennett declared she did not want to leave.  We puttered and watched netflix.  I cleaned my lampworking studio and came across a cd made by Rhiannon Ashe.  She was dying when she made it.  She was 43 and died from cancer in february of 2002.  Ruth lived with her girlfriend Patty soon after Rhiannon died after she left Briana before we got together (typical lesbian convolution).

I listened to the cd - wondering where Patty is now and how much love they had.  Patty sort of disappeared - that was their plan - I really did not understand it.  I did not know the cd was in the house before today.  The dedication on the back was poignant to the people that cared for her as she died.  That was the day.

We spent a lovely afternoon with Avy and Sandy yesterday at a park in Noho(they have some nice play  structures).  We had not seen them in over a week for my lack of communication and exhaustion the past week.  I realised much of life is loss as Sandy told me about a friend who recently died - maybe its our age.  It was good to talk with Sandy.

I ran 3.5 miles at the gym - poor Zues has had only leash walks.

little glass mice

 Some pictures from the final class at Hampshire.  Bennett took the one of the little glass mice.  She put her barbies in the red maniken cage.  She was a delight.  The students were very understanding and  I had offers to babysit.

I realized today that I am exhausted.  B went to school - I ment to make plans with Sandy and Avy but i was too tired.  The house was a mess and I could not bring myself to call them.  B watched a bit of stuff on netflix while I cleaned and made dinner.

I did fix the welder from Sf this morning and went to the gym 3.5 miles.  I did not feel like doing much else.

Ruth's hands

Ruth's hands were extraordinary Jim reminded me.   They were long, beautiful and got comments from strangers on the street.  They exist in visual memory in many of the art works in our house.   Ruth's hands translated through the shrinkage of clay into proportionately perfect hands.  They were Gothic.

I miss them and ache for them.

B and I spent the day together.  I went on her school field trip to the science museum and she came to my final class at Hampshire.  She was really pretty well behaved.  One slight melt down at the museum - and really great during the class - one of my students was especially helpful and has offered babysitting in exchange for glass lessons (sounds good to me).

I am exhausted - ran 3.5 miles yesterday. Nothing today - just getting through the day.