trust in others

How do you live up to what is set before you?

neighbor

our spot

Bennett is with auntie Liz and Julie tonight.  I think this is the first night I have been home with out her.  It is lonely and a bit scary for me.  I hope and know B is faring better.  My week has been focussed on B and myself trying to branch out and spend time with others- I do believe it will help us to be better functioning social beings.  We had friends over both Sat and Sunday this weekend.  I am trying to trust in others and the universe.

What is good

I am here that is good -Bennett is with me that is good.  I am not sure everything I do is right but Nancy says there is no right or wrong just what we do.  It is hard to give up right and wrong and just be open and curious.

Already I see Bennett struggling with this understanding - and the school system relies on reinforcing good behaviors.  I also know somehow B needs to learn  how to be  with other people and understand good or positive behavior.

Nancy helped to guide Ruth when something happened that was beyond good or bad, that is cancer.  Bennett asked me if children get cancer like Momo.

I hurt in my soul for the loss of Ruth it is felt in my bones and breath.

Tonight my fortune read you will have a happy life with your wife- this is a cruel one.   I must be thankful for Bennett, aunties and friends without them I would follow Ruth.

B and I went to the movies yesterday - we saw UP.  Really good movie to see!

Thankyou aunt Ruth for getting us in, thankyou aunt Liz and Julie for being there today, thankyou Jessica for calling, thankyou Amy for chatting with me at S & S.  Thank you Sandy and Avy.  You all keep me here!

What can be done

 What can be done with a 5 year old - laughing, playing, tickling, magic and generally letting go of what you are supposed to be doing (sounds like a quote from a parenting book).

The daily need to feel like some kind of productive citizen in the world creeps back in especially after the new year.  Luckily Sandy and Avy took us sledding this afternoon.  Watching Avy and Bennett fly down the hill together reminded me of the importance of playing. Sandy suggested I get some cross country skis - she has a lot of good ideas.

today 

thankyou

I want to say thanks to everyone who offered a getaway to me and Bennett!

We ended up going to Puerto Rico just us.  We had a great adventure getting to the island of Culebra.  We stayed in a little cottage on a bay with no internet (there was a tv but I never figured out how to turn it on and B didnt notice it!)  and no hot water.  It had a little kitchen and a back deck that looked over the water.  Bennett spent quite a bit of time chasing lizards on the deck.  It was lovely and pretty cheap.

I am a little dissapointed in myself because I have not been running.  It is so hard to do anything with a five year old.  I have had to let my expectations go of myself and others.

I hope everyone had a great holiday season.  I am thank full that we did not have to sit at home and anticipate the holidays.  Bennett and I will have memories of our beach christmas- we should do it every year!

Breath

I need to take a breath.

I did in yoga today - both Sandy and Nancy have been urging me to try yoga.  When I tell Nancy about my hip and foot problems she asks have you tried yoga?

I went to one class last week - and was sore for two days following it.  Then today I was so tired (in a good way) after the class I just went home and drank water.  Its crazy - it looks so simple and somewhat easy but it is really hard!  Especially for someone who just jogs and lifts weights - my stomach muscles are being reminded that they exist.

My frustration around trying to plan some kind of trip over the holidays was at a peek yesterday.  Ruth who has been my steady support and has said up until yesterday that she was committed to going with Bennett and I on this trip, backed out.  I had done all this work trying to find a place that would accommodate Ruth, Theo, myself and B but now I need to rethink the whole plan.  Bennett has already told everyone at school she is going to a beach over the holiday.  Anyone want to go to Puerto Rico with us?

Maybe the hardest thing is that I feel like I do not have a family - someone that really wants to be with me and B.  Bennett cried on the way home from school saying she wanted another mom, dad anything in her family - I agree.  She made a wonderful picture of Sandy, Me, Avy and herself - she also said she wanted them to move in with us.  If only life was that simple.

Don't Piss Off The Fairies

former location of a large dark hole

Bennett and I fixed the side of the house yesterday.  You could actually see the backside of the drywall in the back room from outside before we patched it.   I think yesterday may have been the last warm day we will see for a while.  We saw snowflakes in the air today.

I am trying to stay positive.  We went to dinner at Liz and Julie's friends for thanksgiving.  Bennett had fun with another 5 year old girl and Diana  had present bags for each of the kids - super nice.  I tried to make conversation with people but it feels like everyone is from a different planet- their own planet.

the horse barn

Horses were cancelled today they had some fence problems.  We will go tomorrow.

I like the Don't Piss Off the Fairies sign on the post.