Ok I thought I was done but here I am again.  Bennett has started a new school again  this year.   I ran into old friends at the garlic festival that was great!  Tonight B and I went to a movie night at her school.   I saw a kid we knew from preschool and suggested B go and say hi.  She went over and sat near her and it seemed to take a while for them to say hi, but after the girl seemed to look around then went to ask a different girl to sit by her-ignoring Bennett - it seemed hurtful to Bennett to me- so I approached her mom to see why Ava would do that but of course that did not go well- I was feeling protective of B and came off defensively(or aggresively).

Here it is Ava's family has known me since before Ruth died, they came to her memorial- yet they act like nothing has happened.  Tonight Zan said to me I dont know you - yet she was at Ruth's memoriaL.  what do you need to know?  My partner, love, extension of myself died - you saw my raw wound.  It is ironic or a lesson for me that they are at Bs new school.

Do people understand loss before they experience it?  Of course there are many levels of loss and usually (if we live in a privilaged world) we experience it as grandparents, parents, partners, ourselves...unlikely these days you loose a child.  I live with a cemetery in my backyard and see how many parents have lost children.  My own mother lost my sister before she was three-  part of farm life.

Frozen

I am frozen yet going forward. That is the life of a widow with a child.  She does not let me stop and I do not want to.

I am thinking of my niece Natasha who recently lost her husband (42 yrs old) with 6 kids.  How will she cope?  I remember taking a trip with her parents across country and trying to make her hike with me.  Natasha was a kid maybe 6 or 7 and I wanted to hike for hours- there was lots of crying and we did some hiking for a bit.  Natasha has a lot of grit for parenting, going to school and living with dibieties.  Which I admire and aspire to as I now share that disease.  Life is a crazy circle

Love after loss

Ruth said that I would have another girlfriend.  This was hard for me to hear at the time.  Now I understand the grace that she had in giving me her acceptance that I would continue to live without her.

Part of me does not want to have this but part of me is driven to pursue something.   I am in something that is good and difficult.   I want to give myself to it but am scared and also compare it to what I had with Ruth.  This makes it even harder.  I also have B to consider.  She has had my undivided attention this past year but I do want to have a life beyond being a mother.

These are the difficult choices.

Shame

Tonight Ruth Copeland asked me why I stopped the blog.  I had to say I was ashamed of  my anger toward my friends and I did not know how to balance my private feelings and the public blog.   I felt like no one understood what i was going through.  My Ruth seemed to balance that with precision.  Also I stopped running which was the promise I tried to give and was unable.

I have come to the point where I have accepted the loss of Ruth,  I had to tell another neighbor she had passed away.   Unfortunately I am not as good, gracious or gentle as she was.  So here I am struggling to be good and whole when part of me is gone.   I still want love and to have life with me.  Of course Bennett is wonderous and good but the dream is to watch that develope with someone else and that is difficult.

Ruth's family

We went to California to visit Ruth's family.   They are amazing.  Cousins swam with B and did her hair.  Everyone was kind to us.  They had a memorial for their mother Marianne in a quintessential California preserve.  I brought some of Ruth's ashes and Bennett took the role with Bill (he led Marianne's memorial) of letting them go.  She is such a big girl.  Ruth would be proud.

long time and fat lip

I have not posted in so long.  I had a talk with Ruth Copeland yesterday and keeping a diary came up.  She mentioned that she forgets things if she does not write them down - so true.  I often have conversations with her about obvious, simple and true things - the best talks.

Bennett had a nice play date with Avy today but fell quite hard on our neighbors drive toward the end.  She ended up with the fat est lip!  Both she and Avy cried and cried emotionally traumatized by the event.  Sandy said Avy cried all the way home.  Bennett would not take the icepack off her face for us to inspect.  There was not much blood but Bennett was so scared about it - she said it was her worst nightmare and that she was going to die.

Most 5 almost 6 year olds don't understand mortality.  The idea of death is a large part of Bennett's view of the world.  She often plays dead or talks about her dolls being sick and dying.

I wonder if she or we need more therapy.  I have been telling myself she is doing so well - her confidence is gaining and she loves school and horse riding.  When she responds so strongly to a fall with a small amount of blood that she thinks she is dying I worry.

PS so many things have happened the past few months.  Visited my sis Dorotha and had a great time gardening, catching up and B playing with her son's kids.  Went to Karen B's birthday party - really awesome.  Saw Sean M there whose partner was diagnosed with stage two colen cancer.  Julie P's family is suffering her Mom passed away.  Life continues

Fabulous birthday

It was Avy's birthday party this weekend - there is so much anxiety as a parent to give your child a fabulous birthday experience.  Sandy did a good job.  The right people, the right amount of play time, a great cake (barbie in a cake dress!)  

I do wonder how much anxiety this creates for the kids - Bennett and Avy love each other without a doubt but struggle with fighting and jealousy.

Is competing a natural human condition?  I feel like my friends compete with me or just do not tell me things they feel I do not want to know.

I remember as a child playing games by myself to avoid competing - something about competition always felt wrong.  Would the world fall apart if everyone gave there all to each other not for a gain?  Would you loose yourself or would you gain yourself?

Hard to post

I have had a hard time posting.  It has been a year and missing Ruth is harder than ever.  Nancy says she is with me.  I know that is true because Bennett sees Momo.  She saw her in our kitchen and in the orange sky of sunrise.  Bennett sings about her being with god as an angel.  I am following Bennett as best as I can.

As Nancy says I gave Bennett to Ruth and she gave Bennett to me.

thinking of others

Its time to start thinking about others.

I just found out that my niece's husband has a brain tumor.   They have a fairly large and lovely family.  This information does send me back to the week before Ruth was diagnosed.  All the waiting and anxiety and the shock/loss/denial when we got the diagnosis.  I am hoping that their diagnosis is the best case and will be thinking of them this week.

It does put perspective on the day to day - kids squabbling, my lack of running, worries about school next year seem like small things and things to enjoy rather than worry about.

trust in others

How do you live up to what is set before you?

neighbor

our spot

Bennett is with auntie Liz and Julie tonight.  I think this is the first night I have been home with out her.  It is lonely and a bit scary for me.  I hope and know B is faring better.  My week has been focussed on B and myself trying to branch out and spend time with others- I do believe it will help us to be better functioning social beings.  We had friends over both Sat and Sunday this weekend.  I am trying to trust in others and the universe.

What is good

I am here that is good -Bennett is with me that is good.  I am not sure everything I do is right but Nancy says there is no right or wrong just what we do.  It is hard to give up right and wrong and just be open and curious.

Already I see Bennett struggling with this understanding - and the school system relies on reinforcing good behaviors.  I also know somehow B needs to learn  how to be  with other people and understand good or positive behavior.

Nancy helped to guide Ruth when something happened that was beyond good or bad, that is cancer.  Bennett asked me if children get cancer like Momo.

I hurt in my soul for the loss of Ruth it is felt in my bones and breath.

Tonight my fortune read you will have a happy life with your wife- this is a cruel one.   I must be thankful for Bennett, aunties and friends without them I would follow Ruth.

B and I went to the movies yesterday - we saw UP.  Really good movie to see!

Thankyou aunt Ruth for getting us in, thankyou aunt Liz and Julie for being there today, thankyou Jessica for calling, thankyou Amy for chatting with me at S & S.  Thank you Sandy and Avy.  You all keep me here!

What can be done

 What can be done with a 5 year old - laughing, playing, tickling, magic and generally letting go of what you are supposed to be doing (sounds like a quote from a parenting book).

The daily need to feel like some kind of productive citizen in the world creeps back in especially after the new year.  Luckily Sandy and Avy took us sledding this afternoon.  Watching Avy and Bennett fly down the hill together reminded me of the importance of playing. Sandy suggested I get some cross country skis - she has a lot of good ideas.

today 

thankyou

I want to say thanks to everyone who offered a getaway to me and Bennett!

We ended up going to Puerto Rico just us.  We had a great adventure getting to the island of Culebra.  We stayed in a little cottage on a bay with no internet (there was a tv but I never figured out how to turn it on and B didnt notice it!)  and no hot water.  It had a little kitchen and a back deck that looked over the water.  Bennett spent quite a bit of time chasing lizards on the deck.  It was lovely and pretty cheap.

I am a little dissapointed in myself because I have not been running.  It is so hard to do anything with a five year old.  I have had to let my expectations go of myself and others.

I hope everyone had a great holiday season.  I am thank full that we did not have to sit at home and anticipate the holidays.  Bennett and I will have memories of our beach christmas- we should do it every year!

Breath

I need to take a breath.

I did in yoga today - both Sandy and Nancy have been urging me to try yoga.  When I tell Nancy about my hip and foot problems she asks have you tried yoga?

I went to one class last week - and was sore for two days following it.  Then today I was so tired (in a good way) after the class I just went home and drank water.  Its crazy - it looks so simple and somewhat easy but it is really hard!  Especially for someone who just jogs and lifts weights - my stomach muscles are being reminded that they exist.

My frustration around trying to plan some kind of trip over the holidays was at a peek yesterday.  Ruth who has been my steady support and has said up until yesterday that she was committed to going with Bennett and I on this trip, backed out.  I had done all this work trying to find a place that would accommodate Ruth, Theo, myself and B but now I need to rethink the whole plan.  Bennett has already told everyone at school she is going to a beach over the holiday.  Anyone want to go to Puerto Rico with us?

Maybe the hardest thing is that I feel like I do not have a family - someone that really wants to be with me and B.  Bennett cried on the way home from school saying she wanted another mom, dad anything in her family - I agree.  She made a wonderful picture of Sandy, Me, Avy and herself - she also said she wanted them to move in with us.  If only life was that simple.

Don't Piss Off The Fairies

former location of a large dark hole

Bennett and I fixed the side of the house yesterday.  You could actually see the backside of the drywall in the back room from outside before we patched it.   I think yesterday may have been the last warm day we will see for a while.  We saw snowflakes in the air today.

I am trying to stay positive.  We went to dinner at Liz and Julie's friends for thanksgiving.  Bennett had fun with another 5 year old girl and Diana  had present bags for each of the kids - super nice.  I tried to make conversation with people but it feels like everyone is from a different planet- their own planet.

the horse barn

Horses were cancelled today they had some fence problems.  We will go tomorrow.

I like the Don't Piss Off the Fairies sign on the post.

good news

Got an email from Mary that Maily Grandma is doing better!  And she seems to be in good spirits.  I was able to chat with her a bit the other day.  Sometimes I think I am loosing my hearing when I am on the phone - my friend Sandy said its my crappy phone not my ears.  It was nice to hear Marianna's voice.

turkey talking to an owl in a tree

We have pumpkin custard in the oven - a favorite recipe of Ruth's slightly altered for me using agave instead of sugar.  Luckily Aunt Julie and Liz got us an invitation to a friends for thanksgiving.  There will be lots of people including other children.

Tears

Sometimes you save up the tears.

Tonight I cry for so many things my Mom and Ruth's mom who is in the hospital.  Marianna who is like a mom to me- she sent books to Bennett and emails to me about loosing Dirk and living alone.  I did not know how I looked forward to her emails until I may not have any more.

I must

Bennett is asleep she has been so tired she just falls asleep in my lap.  I find myself just trying to feed her and make her comfortable when she sleeps.  Her BFF Avy has also been tired they play and play and whine and whine.  Sandy worries that Avy is too whiney but I am reasurred that 5 year olds whine.    Sandy and Avy are part of our family.

I must get a new camera, ours is broken.  I must continue to plan a holiday - Bennett and I would be lost without something.  Puerto Rico is our new destiny.

I must patch a large hole in our house.  I can see to the drywall from the outside of the house.  Such is life.

I continue to run that is my savior - 3 miles today.  Yesterday 2.5 and 3 on wednesday.

asleep on a boat at sea

Bennett has fallen asleep - I think it was around 4:30 pm.  We hung out this morning enjoying a day with no obligations.  We did nothing till about noon then just dressing to take Zues for a walk around the neighborhood.  Ruth and Theo's is a destination on these walks - we stopped and played a bit.

B and I worked hard when we got home - cleaning up the leaves in the front of the house.  She is a worker! Bennett also made a horse book today - it is great!  She illustrated herself with Sarg(the horse she visits on Saturdays).  She has been so tired lately.  She fell asleep yesterday on the way home from the horse farm.

Bennett had difficulties transitioning in school this week.  The teachers were so wonderful they role played drop off with her.  The next day she was a star!

She drew a picture of me and her on a boat at sea.