Ruth's family

We went to California to visit Ruth's family.   They are amazing.  Cousins swam with B and did her hair.  Everyone was kind to us.  They had a memorial for their mother Marianne in a quintessential California preserve.  I brought some of Ruth's ashes and Bennett took the role with Bill (he led Marianne's memorial) of letting them go.  She is such a big girl.  Ruth would be proud.

long time and fat lip

I have not posted in so long.  I had a talk with Ruth Copeland yesterday and keeping a diary came up.  She mentioned that she forgets things if she does not write them down - so true.  I often have conversations with her about obvious, simple and true things - the best talks.

Bennett had a nice play date with Avy today but fell quite hard on our neighbors drive toward the end.  She ended up with the fat est lip!  Both she and Avy cried and cried emotionally traumatized by the event.  Sandy said Avy cried all the way home.  Bennett would not take the icepack off her face for us to inspect.  There was not much blood but Bennett was so scared about it - she said it was her worst nightmare and that she was going to die.

Most 5 almost 6 year olds don't understand mortality.  The idea of death is a large part of Bennett's view of the world.  She often plays dead or talks about her dolls being sick and dying.

I wonder if she or we need more therapy.  I have been telling myself she is doing so well - her confidence is gaining and she loves school and horse riding.  When she responds so strongly to a fall with a small amount of blood that she thinks she is dying I worry.

PS so many things have happened the past few months.  Visited my sis Dorotha and had a great time gardening, catching up and B playing with her son's kids.  Went to Karen B's birthday party - really awesome.  Saw Sean M there whose partner was diagnosed with stage two colen cancer.  Julie P's family is suffering her Mom passed away.  Life continues

Fabulous birthday

It was Avy's birthday party this weekend - there is so much anxiety as a parent to give your child a fabulous birthday experience.  Sandy did a good job.  The right people, the right amount of play time, a great cake (barbie in a cake dress!)  

I do wonder how much anxiety this creates for the kids - Bennett and Avy love each other without a doubt but struggle with fighting and jealousy.

Is competing a natural human condition?  I feel like my friends compete with me or just do not tell me things they feel I do not want to know.

I remember as a child playing games by myself to avoid competing - something about competition always felt wrong.  Would the world fall apart if everyone gave there all to each other not for a gain?  Would you loose yourself or would you gain yourself?

Hard to post

I have had a hard time posting.  It has been a year and missing Ruth is harder than ever.  Nancy says she is with me.  I know that is true because Bennett sees Momo.  She saw her in our kitchen and in the orange sky of sunrise.  Bennett sings about her being with god as an angel.  I am following Bennett as best as I can.

As Nancy says I gave Bennett to Ruth and she gave Bennett to me.

thinking of others

Its time to start thinking about others.

I just found out that my niece's husband has a brain tumor.   They have a fairly large and lovely family.  This information does send me back to the week before Ruth was diagnosed.  All the waiting and anxiety and the shock/loss/denial when we got the diagnosis.  I am hoping that their diagnosis is the best case and will be thinking of them this week.

It does put perspective on the day to day - kids squabbling, my lack of running, worries about school next year seem like small things and things to enjoy rather than worry about.

trust in others

How do you live up to what is set before you?

neighbor

our spot

Bennett is with auntie Liz and Julie tonight.  I think this is the first night I have been home with out her.  It is lonely and a bit scary for me.  I hope and know B is faring better.  My week has been focussed on B and myself trying to branch out and spend time with others- I do believe it will help us to be better functioning social beings.  We had friends over both Sat and Sunday this weekend.  I am trying to trust in others and the universe.

What is good

I am here that is good -Bennett is with me that is good.  I am not sure everything I do is right but Nancy says there is no right or wrong just what we do.  It is hard to give up right and wrong and just be open and curious.

Already I see Bennett struggling with this understanding - and the school system relies on reinforcing good behaviors.  I also know somehow B needs to learn  how to be  with other people and understand good or positive behavior.

Nancy helped to guide Ruth when something happened that was beyond good or bad, that is cancer.  Bennett asked me if children get cancer like Momo.