Hard to post

I have had a hard time posting.  It has been a year and missing Ruth is harder than ever.  Nancy says she is with me.  I know that is true because Bennett sees Momo.  She saw her in our kitchen and in the orange sky of sunrise.  Bennett sings about her being with god as an angel.  I am following Bennett as best as I can.

As Nancy says I gave Bennett to Ruth and she gave Bennett to me.

thinking of others

Its time to start thinking about others.

I just found out that my niece's husband has a brain tumor.   They have a fairly large and lovely family.  This information does send me back to the week before Ruth was diagnosed.  All the waiting and anxiety and the shock/loss/denial when we got the diagnosis.  I am hoping that their diagnosis is the best case and will be thinking of them this week.

It does put perspective on the day to day - kids squabbling, my lack of running, worries about school next year seem like small things and things to enjoy rather than worry about.

trust in others

How do you live up to what is set before you?

neighbor

our spot

Bennett is with auntie Liz and Julie tonight.  I think this is the first night I have been home with out her.  It is lonely and a bit scary for me.  I hope and know B is faring better.  My week has been focussed on B and myself trying to branch out and spend time with others- I do believe it will help us to be better functioning social beings.  We had friends over both Sat and Sunday this weekend.  I am trying to trust in others and the universe.

What is good

I am here that is good -Bennett is with me that is good.  I am not sure everything I do is right but Nancy says there is no right or wrong just what we do.  It is hard to give up right and wrong and just be open and curious.

Already I see Bennett struggling with this understanding - and the school system relies on reinforcing good behaviors.  I also know somehow B needs to learn  how to be  with other people and understand good or positive behavior.

Nancy helped to guide Ruth when something happened that was beyond good or bad, that is cancer.  Bennett asked me if children get cancer like Momo.

I hurt in my soul for the loss of Ruth it is felt in my bones and breath.

Tonight my fortune read you will have a happy life with your wife- this is a cruel one.   I must be thankful for Bennett, aunties and friends without them I would follow Ruth.

B and I went to the movies yesterday - we saw UP.  Really good movie to see!

Thankyou aunt Ruth for getting us in, thankyou aunt Liz and Julie for being there today, thankyou Jessica for calling, thankyou Amy for chatting with me at S & S.  Thank you Sandy and Avy.  You all keep me here!

What can be done

 What can be done with a 5 year old - laughing, playing, tickling, magic and generally letting go of what you are supposed to be doing (sounds like a quote from a parenting book).

The daily need to feel like some kind of productive citizen in the world creeps back in especially after the new year.  Luckily Sandy and Avy took us sledding this afternoon.  Watching Avy and Bennett fly down the hill together reminded me of the importance of playing. Sandy suggested I get some cross country skis - she has a lot of good ideas.

today 

thankyou

I want to say thanks to everyone who offered a getaway to me and Bennett!

We ended up going to Puerto Rico just us.  We had a great adventure getting to the island of Culebra.  We stayed in a little cottage on a bay with no internet (there was a tv but I never figured out how to turn it on and B didnt notice it!)  and no hot water.  It had a little kitchen and a back deck that looked over the water.  Bennett spent quite a bit of time chasing lizards on the deck.  It was lovely and pretty cheap.

I am a little dissapointed in myself because I have not been running.  It is so hard to do anything with a five year old.  I have had to let my expectations go of myself and others.

I hope everyone had a great holiday season.  I am thank full that we did not have to sit at home and anticipate the holidays.  Bennett and I will have memories of our beach christmas- we should do it every year!