look again in your heart

 I love this picture.  Something about the look in Bennett's eyes and Bob's big hand.  This was taken the last time Bob and Jim visited us.

So many good things - my sister Deb posted this -

When you are sorrowful, 
look again in your heart,
And you shall see that in truth you are weeping
For that which has been your delight.

from The Prophet
by Kahill Gibran

This is true.  Ruth was my delight and she left so much delight in my life.

The delightful duo Ruth and B.




Zues and I ran 3 miles today - no poop rolling thank goodness!

poop and puke

Yesterday was cleaning up puke today was scrubbing off poop.  Life with a child and a dog keeps it real.

I decided to run with Zues at the reservoir today because I love it there.   Zues came running out of the pines with a look of glee on his little face smeared in brown eew.  Unfortunately people sometimes use the pines at the reservoir as a restroom.  I spent most of the afternoon cleaning him off in the backyard - lovely day for it!  He did look so cute and fuzzy afterward -I totally forgave him.

Bennett had a better transition this afternoon when I went to work.  We met Sandy, Avy and "the Brad"(he is a bit of a roofing and skateboarding superhero)  at the park after school - I was able to say goodbye and leave without much fuss.  I believe she had an excellent time with them.  When they dropped her off at home at 6 pm she then had a fit.   She spent a good 45 minutes crying about the loss of playing with Avy.

How does anyone get over the "loss" in life?

Ruth C believes Bennett is using the time I have to leave her (at school or to go to work) and leaving Avy as time to work out loosing Momo- thus the crying fits.   I think she is averaging 1 hour a day of crying.

I have a few buddhist books about dying and can understand the idea of letting go of our ideas of life and the grasp they have on us,  but I have to say that dealing with the poop, the puke and the crying fits keeps me here in life.  I do not have time to meditate thank God (whoever that is) even though I am in pain I cannot see another way through this so I must be on the same page as Bennett.  Cry then go on and play or run.

We ran 2.5 miles-

Crazy Mom

Today started with Bennett throwing up in the bed.  I thought she was just trying to avoid school until she threw up.  The night before had been another rough Monday.  I had to call in an extra Auntie (Julie was there so we called Ruth C) to reassure B that everything was ok when I left for work.  Her sleep was full of tossing and crying.

We did have a great day on Monday - it was Patriots day here in MA so B was off school.  She and I bought a large tent from a fellow in Holyoke, then we loaded the kayak on the car and met Sandy and Avy.  Kayaking was the perfect activity in the 90 degree weather.  The girls were muddy little wild things on the islands of the oxbow.  The only thing that ruined the day for B was that I had to leave that night to teach.

Today was a home day but I felt compelled to do something.  I started to clean our closet which put me in tears.  I did manage to get some of  Ruth's  things bagged and downstairs.  By that time Bennett was feeling better so we escaped to apply for her new passport.  She bought a very pink envelope for Aunt Mary while at the post office and then she passed out in the car on the way home.

Ruth C and I had this crazy plan that we would go to Tai Chi in Northampton on Tuesday nights.  Tonight was the first Tuesday.  The plan was that B would hang out with RC while I took the early class the RC would take the later class.

Bennett just does not want to loose sight of me.  She stayed for the entire class (did fairly well and everyone was amused by her giggles and retying my shoe in a large knot) until she got stepped on by one of the tai chiers.  We left in tears hoping that we did not interrupt the class too much.

It is so hard to leave her - I need to dig out the jogging stroller.  I have not run for three days.  I took Sunday off because I was tired.  Then I thought ok Monday is a holiday but today I should have put B in the stroller and run.  My logic she was too sick but of course I dragged her out to get her passport done and to Northampton to a Tai Chi class - crazy mom - poor kid.

Here is her new passport photo and she filled in the other box with a drawing of her and Avy (that is what she said).  I am not sure which one is which - they are really much closer in height and hair length - it looks more like me and B.

life boat

I am trying to read "When husbands die"(another gift from Marianna).  I was initially turned off by the title  and still am having a hard time.  It was written by Smith Alumni which is interesting to me since the school is in the next town and Ruth worked there.  Ruth would tell me stories of the wealth of the alumni and the social decorum.  I guess thats why I am having difficulty relating.  She also had a difficult time working there and felt released when she was let go from the position.

Many of the women in the book feel some release from their husbands death (as is natural from prolonged illness).  Of course I did not want Ruth to feel more pain but I do not feel released.

Most of the women are over 60.  Not to say that is that far away from me but having a 4 year old makes it further.  I searched for the small percentage of women who were younger but as the book says "Obviously the women with young children were busy beyond belief.  They had little time to meet the needs of their own grief"

It is true I feel often my energy is focussed toward Bennett and her grief.  This is not bad.  I rely on her to guide me through my own grief.  I often feel like we are on a life boat at sea.


Mary and Ruth - young and older.  they shared a boat through life.

2 miles

I managed 2 miles today with Zues.

I keep thinking things should be getting easier and Ruth C. reminds me that life is just not like that.

#5

I cannot believe it is mid April.

How does time keep going forward?  The important thing is we are getting closer to June 23rd, which is Bennett's birthday.

She talks about that date nearly every day.  I have told her we may have to have the party on a different date (I am teaching at SF that weekend).  This does not thrill her.  I hope to convince her with the possibility of two parties - a friend party and an auntie party(on her actual b-day which I might have to miss though Karen offered up SF for her party).

Kid's parties have gotten to be such a big deal.  This weekend there will be one at the Children's Museum in Holyoke (one of her classmates).  I don't remember ever having many birthday parties as a kid.  Of course having a birthday at the beginning of February in a snow belt miles from a town made it difficult.  I remember often getting socks for my birthday.  Bennett might be disappointed with socks.

In any case this may be a hard birthday for her without Momo. Di left this picture of Ruth and Bennett on my computer along with some movies (which I have yet to open).

Ruth wanted so badly to see Bennett turn 5.

Ruth always planned the parties - #3 was at the bowling ally what chaos!  There were three year olds running up and down the lanes chasing gutter balls.  The management was not entirely happy with us.  #4 was at the park much more suitable for running though it was difficult finding a spot to put our picnic blankets down that did not have dog poop nearby.

I will try my best to channel Ruth and find a bounce house to rent, some place to put it and invite some small people.  Possibly there will be food and cake.

ps ran 3.5 miles today - moved some stuff to the new studio - weather was dramatic - dark clouds and bright sun.

The fog

I did 3.5 miles today at the gym.  The weather was damp and dreary so I opted for the treadmill and steam room.  Yesterday Zues and I ran about 2.5 miles on Mt. Tom.

I have had a tough week.  I can not seem to stay focused on anything and find myself wandering around.  Usually jogging will snap me out of my fog but right now it seems to be just getting me out of the house.

Bennett is still saying she does not want to go to school and crying when I leave her there.  I have been reassured by the teachers and the director that she is fine but it still feels so difficult and draining.

Marianna sent me another great email including letters she wrote to her family after her husband Dirk died.  What I found incredible was all of her sentences made sense and she was writing correspondence to people soon after his death (I still can't even read some of the letters I have received).  She is an amazingly strong and organized woman.

She inspired me to write my to do list today and to start filing all the paper work.  I have also committed myself to moving my welding studio to a new arts building in Holyoke (I met with the directors yesterday).  The link is http://gatewaycityarts.wordpress.com/.  I am hoping this will spur me to work more on sculpture and just be around people!

I really do not feel like doing anything - hopefully that will change.

Jellyfish from the Boston Aquarium trip that we did with Mary on the way to the airport.