Ok I thought I was done but here I am again.  Bennett has started a new school again  this year.   I ran into old friends at the garlic festival that was great!  Tonight B and I went to a movie night at her school.   I saw a kid we knew from preschool and suggested B go and say hi.  She went over and sat near her and it seemed to take a while for them to say hi, but after the girl seemed to look around then went to ask a different girl to sit by her-ignoring Bennett - it seemed hurtful to Bennett to me- so I approached her mom to see why Ava would do that but of course that did not go well- I was feeling protective of B and came off defensively(or aggresively).

Here it is Ava's family has known me since before Ruth died, they came to her memorial- yet they act like nothing has happened.  Tonight Zan said to me I dont know you - yet she was at Ruth's memoriaL.  what do you need to know?  My partner, love, extension of myself died - you saw my raw wound.  It is ironic or a lesson for me that they are at Bs new school.

Do people understand loss before they experience it?  Of course there are many levels of loss and usually (if we live in a privilaged world) we experience it as grandparents, parents, partners, ourselves...unlikely these days you loose a child.  I live with a cemetery in my backyard and see how many parents have lost children.  My own mother lost my sister before she was three-  part of farm life.

Frozen

I am frozen yet going forward. That is the life of a widow with a child.  She does not let me stop and I do not want to.

I am thinking of my niece Natasha who recently lost her husband (42 yrs old) with 6 kids.  How will she cope?  I remember taking a trip with her parents across country and trying to make her hike with me.  Natasha was a kid maybe 6 or 7 and I wanted to hike for hours- there was lots of crying and we did some hiking for a bit.  Natasha has a lot of grit for parenting, going to school and living with dibieties.  Which I admire and aspire to as I now share that disease.  Life is a crazy circle

Love after loss

Ruth said that I would have another girlfriend.  This was hard for me to hear at the time.  Now I understand the grace that she had in giving me her acceptance that I would continue to live without her.

Part of me does not want to have this but part of me is driven to pursue something.   I am in something that is good and difficult.   I want to give myself to it but am scared and also compare it to what I had with Ruth.  This makes it even harder.  I also have B to consider.  She has had my undivided attention this past year but I do want to have a life beyond being a mother.

These are the difficult choices.

Shame

Tonight Ruth Copeland asked me why I stopped the blog.  I had to say I was ashamed of  my anger toward my friends and I did not know how to balance my private feelings and the public blog.   I felt like no one understood what i was going through.  My Ruth seemed to balance that with precision.  Also I stopped running which was the promise I tried to give and was unable.

I have come to the point where I have accepted the loss of Ruth,  I had to tell another neighbor she had passed away.   Unfortunately I am not as good, gracious or gentle as she was.  So here I am struggling to be good and whole when part of me is gone.   I still want love and to have life with me.  Of course Bennett is wonderous and good but the dream is to watch that develope with someone else and that is difficult.

Ruth's family

We went to California to visit Ruth's family.   They are amazing.  Cousins swam with B and did her hair.  Everyone was kind to us.  They had a memorial for their mother Marianne in a quintessential California preserve.  I brought some of Ruth's ashes and Bennett took the role with Bill (he led Marianne's memorial) of letting them go.  She is such a big girl.  Ruth would be proud.

long time and fat lip

I have not posted in so long.  I had a talk with Ruth Copeland yesterday and keeping a diary came up.  She mentioned that she forgets things if she does not write them down - so true.  I often have conversations with her about obvious, simple and true things - the best talks.

Bennett had a nice play date with Avy today but fell quite hard on our neighbors drive toward the end.  She ended up with the fat est lip!  Both she and Avy cried and cried emotionally traumatized by the event.  Sandy said Avy cried all the way home.  Bennett would not take the icepack off her face for us to inspect.  There was not much blood but Bennett was so scared about it - she said it was her worst nightmare and that she was going to die.

Most 5 almost 6 year olds don't understand mortality.  The idea of death is a large part of Bennett's view of the world.  She often plays dead or talks about her dolls being sick and dying.

I wonder if she or we need more therapy.  I have been telling myself she is doing so well - her confidence is gaining and she loves school and horse riding.  When she responds so strongly to a fall with a small amount of blood that she thinks she is dying I worry.

PS so many things have happened the past few months.  Visited my sis Dorotha and had a great time gardening, catching up and B playing with her son's kids.  Went to Karen B's birthday party - really awesome.  Saw Sean M there whose partner was diagnosed with stage two colen cancer.  Julie P's family is suffering her Mom passed away.  Life continues

Fabulous birthday

It was Avy's birthday party this weekend - there is so much anxiety as a parent to give your child a fabulous birthday experience.  Sandy did a good job.  The right people, the right amount of play time, a great cake (barbie in a cake dress!)  

I do wonder how much anxiety this creates for the kids - Bennett and Avy love each other without a doubt but struggle with fighting and jealousy.

Is competing a natural human condition?  I feel like my friends compete with me or just do not tell me things they feel I do not want to know.

I remember as a child playing games by myself to avoid competing - something about competition always felt wrong.  Would the world fall apart if everyone gave there all to each other not for a gain?  Would you loose yourself or would you gain yourself?